LL Cool J - 14 Shots to the Dome (March 30, 1993)

It’s the last Tuesday of the month, and we all know what that means – (*checks notes*) um, a continuation of my ongoing reverse chronological narrative of LL Cool J’s career, this time focusing on the man’s fifth album 14 Shots to the Dome? Sure, why the hell not?

For Promotional Use Only: LL Cool J - The Return of the G.O.A.T. (2008)

In 2008, James Todd Smith was bracing for what was about to be his final original album for his longtime label home, Def Jam Records. His pseudonym, LL Cool J, was synonymous with the seminal hip hop temple started by Rick Rubin and Russell Simmons pretty much from its inception, but those two had long left the brand to do business elsewhere, and the music industry had evolved to such a degree that LL felt like the old man at the club. So, much like everyone who refuses to admit that they’ve advanced in age, James wanted to do something that would appeal to the kids, to the younger generation who could potentially tell his story for years to come. This is why, even though LL Cool J was known more as a Hollywood star than a rapper at the time, he connected with DJ Kay Slay to release his first (and, to date, only) mixtape, The Return Of The G.O.A.T.

My Gut Reaction: LL Cool J - Authentic (April 30, 2013)

Lip Sync Battle’s James Todd Smith, who performs under the alias “LL Cool J” so as to avoid both process servers and his in-laws, has been an institution within our chosen genre damn near since its inception, and he’s made his mark over the course of his thirty-five year career. He’s been nominated to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, he’s the first rapper to be honored at the Kennedy Center Honors, he’s been nominated for multiple acting awards (including an Emmy and a bunch of NAACP Image awards), he’s hosted the Grammy awards ceremony five years in a row, and he even has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. None of this would have been possible without rap, a fact he is fully cognizant of, and he periodically returns to the game in between acting jobs to sharpen his skills, put on some of the new blood, and to generally remind everyone of his first love, which is a tangible product that can be purchased in the form of thirteen studio albums and two greatest hits collections.

Yep, we’re going back to the LL Cool J reverse chronological review well today.

Not Available In Stores! "Double L" - Double L Cools Down (Recorded in 1994/1995)

Well, here's something you don't see every day: a "lost" album from one of hip hop's biggest names, reportedly released by the artist himself while in a tiff with his record label.  This kind of shit happens all the time with smaller labels and underground artists who may not have the business savvy or the resources to protect themselves otherwise, but this isn't supposed to happen when you're signed to Def Jam, one of the most dominant hip hop labels in existence even today.  And it's definitely not supposed to happen when you are James Todd Smith, better known as LL Cool J.

LL Cool J - Mr. Smith (November 21, 1995)

We're past the halfway mark, folks: my James Todd Smith experiment, in which I review each album in LL Cool J's catalog in reverse chronological order, has finally reached the point where the transition from the old school to the new sound officially occurred.  Today I bring you LL's sixth album, Mr. Smith, generally considered in Blogland to be the last "good" album Cool James ever released, for some reason.

Mr. Smith is an album that owes its entire existence to a hot guest performance LL dropped on Craig Mack's star-studded remix to his hit "Flava In Ya Ear".  After listeners got over their initial "Huh?" phase when Cool James first popped up on a track alongside the likes of Mack, The Notorious B.I.G. (with a scene-stealing guest verse), Busta Rhymes, Rampage, and, um, Puff Daddy (since it was kind of like Grandpa agreeing to drive all of the kids to the movies), he spit a verse chock-full of nonsensical catchphrases while staring at the ass of the chick dancing in front of him during the video shoot; as a form of penance, he recites random bars from that cameo appearance all throughout Mr. Smith, mostly at hilariously inopportune times.  

After the poor performance of his previous effort, 14 Shots To The Dome (which will eventually come next, so mark your calendars!), LL Cool J redoubled his efforts in Hollywood, landing a starring role in the NBC sitcom In The House.  However, unlike what my memory tried to trick me into thinking earlier, he never took any real hiatus from the rap game; Mr. Smith was released (by Def Jam Records, naturally) only a couple of years after his last project, so it isn't as though he had ever been given the opportunity to fade out from the page.  Unlike today, where he hasn't really released anything since Exit 13, since he's too busy toplining a CBS police procedural or something.

Mr. Smith is an album crafted especially for the ladies, although Uncle L tried to throw the dudes a bone with some of his goofy gangsta raps.  He recruited production team The Trackmasters to handle most of the album, turning to names such as Rashad Smith and Easy Mo Bee for the rest.  I had forgotten that Easy Mo Bee had a production credit on here, so I'm now officially a bit more intrigued to listen to this album again.  Anyway, the guest list was kept to a minimum, with only the final track going all out with what passed for an A-list cast back in 1995.  Since this was the mid-1990s, Def Jam convinced director Hype Williams to direct all of the videos released from the project, if I'm not mistaken, and the end result was an overly radio-friendly affair that sold well in stores and kept the label profitable for another fiscal year.

1.  THE INTRO (SKIT)

I don't think there's a single person on this planet who would ever imagine LL Cool James as a cowboy in the Old West, so his lame-ass attempt at starring in his own Sergio Leone-inspired spaghetti western falls on deaf ears.  Especially as this rap album intro has fuck-all to do with this being a rap album.

2.  MAKE IT HOT

The first actual song on Mr. Smith doesn't do much to prove that LL Cool J really needed to return to music after cleaning up Debbie Allen's house and trying not to make a move on Maia Campbell back when she was cute.  The Trackmasters instrumental is so bland that it won't appeal to either sex, and Cool James can't decide on what kind of song he wanted to write, attempting to court the love-rap crowd and the hardcore hip hop heads in this failed marriage, bitter divorce, and messy custody battle of a track.  This shit was awful.  Moving on...

3.  HIP HOP

LL's tale about the "globe of the world" (as opposed to the myriad other globes that he could be talking about) he received in the mail is the first of many instances of random, bizarre imagery on Mr. Smith, so for those of you unsure if you care enough to follow along, at least that will give you something to look for in each track.  "Hip Hop" is supposed to be LL Cool J's love letter to, well, hip hop, but this lame-ass Trackmasters instrumental makes a mockery of all the artists our host lists as his favorites, as does the crooning on the chorus.  I don't doubt that LL still loves the art form that first positioned him in the spotlight, but was there a reason that he would agree to release something so fucking weak as a tribute?

4.  HEY LOVER (FEAT. BOYZ II MEN)

In the interest of full disclosure, I present the following embarrassing tidbit about myself: I used to really really like "Hey Lover", a track that was considered to be LL's official comeback after the failure of his previous effort 14 Shots To The Dome.  When Cool James is on his game, as he is on here, his last great love rap, he sounds untouchable, and that confidence translates to big sales and many swooning women.  Predictably, it falls way short today, and I find it almost impossible to sit through without giggling, since our host's earnestness causes "Hey Lover" to delve into self-parody, especially as this Trackmasters beat was engineered from only the purest queso.  I'm not ashamed to admit that I still enjoy the chorus, though, but that's because, like everyone else, I love early Boyz II Men.  So there.

5.  DOIN' IT (FEAT. LESHAUN)

I never noticed before that this song is nearly five minutes long.  Who signed off on that shit?  Anyway, Rashad Smith's beat holds up surprisingly well for something as simple as "Doin' It" sounds, and the back-and-forth between LL and guest star LeShaun is relatively chaste today, but is dirty enough for listeners to still wonder just how in the fuck Def Jam thought it would be a good idea to release it as a single.  Since this was an actual hit, I suppose Def Jam now wants a cookie or something.  Unlike "Hey Lover", there's nothing embarrassing about listening to "Doin' It" today (except for maybe LeShaun's fake orgasm at the end), since it was always goofy as shit.

6.  LIFE AS...

I have a couple of problems with that song title.  For one, the chorus on this track clearly states that the "life of a killer is scandalous" and/or "dangerous", so shouldn't it be called "Life Of...", or, had Def Jam not pussied out of the whole thing, "Life Of A Killer"?  Not that Cool James would ever be mistaken for a hired gun or a homicidal maniac, mind you, no matter how many times he talks about his guns on here.  Secondly, the title "Life As"... reminds me of the comic Love Is, which, as Homer Simpson once so delicately put it, is "about two naked eight-year-olds who are married".  Easy Mo Bee's beat is surprisingly halfway decent in a way that Mr. Smith just hasn't been up to this point, as it refuses to cater to the R&B crowd, but Uncle L is hardly convincing in the role of a threatening rapper: even his violent bars contain too much joy to be taken seriously.

7.  I SHOT YA (FEAT. KEITH MURRAY)

I'm still surprised to this day that LL included a song with that specific title on Mr. Smith, because (a) he was already at the point where his female fanbase outnumbered the guys almost eleventy billion to one, and (b) the previous track was too scared to reveal itself as the pseudo-thug rap it dreamed of being.  Anyway, "I Shot Ya" is the "controversial" song on the album, labeled as such because it is considered a direct attack on 2Pac (and its title also seems to answer the question The Notorious B.I.G. first posed on his non-album classic "Who Shot Ya?", which was also allegedly aimed Pac's way), and Pac took so much offense that he actually retaliated.  LL's bars are battle rap-worthy but hardly convincing as "thug rap", but Cool James sounds as fluid as ever over a surprisingly hardcore Trackmasters loop (even though at one point he threatens to suck all of the color out of cartoon characters, so this may all be some sort of lucid dream).  LL brings in Keith Murray during the chorus, but all he can manage to do is repeat some of our host's bars from "I'm Bad" like the true LL stan he is, so he's kind of wasted on here.  But it all acts as foreshadowing for the "I Shot Ya" remix, so that's nice.

8.  MR. SMITH

This was just terrible.  That's all I got.

9.  NO AIRPLAY

The first minute of this track is devoted to an interlude where our host appears to be hosting a party in the vocal booth, allowing some of his guests to give shout-outs before taking over the mic and everything takes a turn for the surreal (at one point Cool James that he ran into "two midgets" the other day who proceeded to refer to him as "the motherfucking man").  Then the actual song kicks in, a heavily-censored affair produced by Chad Elliot and built around a vocal sample taken from LL's "The Boomin' System".  There is no explanation provided as to why all of the curse words are backmasked, unless LL was trying to comment on how ridiculous and incoherent most rap music would sound if all of the adult language were removed, so it's impossible for anyone to actually get into this track, which is too bad, since the beat actually wasn't bad.

10.  LOUNGIN' (FEAT. TERRI & MONICA)

When your rap song is built around a sample from Al B. Sure!'s "Nite & Day", there are only so many directions you can go with it: predictably, Cool James goes with his default setting, "impressing the ladies in the audience".  The lyrics are all ridiculous, because James didn't really need to try anymore at this point, but Rashad Smith's instrumental is enjoyable as fuck, mainly because I love the original Al B. Sure! song, as does everyone else in the world with a soul.  Overall, this isn't that great, but thanks to the beat, it blows the remix out of the water.  (More on that later.)

11.  HOLLIS TO HOLLYWOOD

Cool James uses the intro to "Hollis To Hollywood" to complain about the use of metaphors in hip hop (in an especially clever turn of phrase, he refers to all other rappers as "metaphorical freaks or something").  This apparently upsets him a great deal, as he then uses the song itself to (a) give the listener a three-verse performance, dropping the names of films into his bars like a low-grade GZA/Genius, and (b) give the listener some more of the most surreal and bizarre imagery in a hip hop song since whatever Kool Keith recorded this morning during his second bowl of Lucky Charms.  (Happy St. Patrick's Day!)  Just listen to the track: you'll easily be able to pick out what I'm talking about.  I found it very strange that LL Cool J would essentially act as an activist for ignorance in rap music, since that attitude is detrimental to the longevity of the art form he claims to love so goddamn much.  You've all heard how ignorance has impacted our chosen genre: just turn on the radio right now and tell me you aren't appalled.

12.  GOD BLESS

A study in contrasts that I believe everyone will agree just sounds fucking awful.  Rashad Smith had the bright idea to combine what sounds like an alternate version of the drums from The Honeydrippers's "Impeach The President" with a looped-up sample from Vicki Anderson's "Message From The Soul Sisters" (also used on, among other things, Lil' Kim's later "No Time"), and the two elements never quite meet each other halfway.  Hell, they spend the duration of the song's length running as far away from each other as two nonhuman personified musical samples ever could.  Also not meshing: LL's thugged-out lyrics and the title of this song.  Also, including a vocal sample of the phrase "get retarded" on a song called "God Bless" sends out so many mixed messages that it will hurt your head to count each and every one: you'd be better off skipping to the next track, which you should have done five minutes ago.

13.  GET DA DROP ON 'EM

Forget about the two different "I Shot Ya" tracks: "Get Da Drop On 'Em" is clearly LL's attempt to cater to the street audience, as it contains what is easily the most violent Cool James performance I've heard in a long time (or at least ever since I started this project).  Does he sound convincing yet?  Unsurprisingly, no, especially when a poor choice of words during the third verse implies that he will dismantle a "bitch n---a" by "dick[ing] ya down in front of everyone", which makes the song sound even more like a practical joke being played on LL Cool J, who will apparently read anything from the teleprompter, Ron Burgundy-style.  (He also introduces yet another definition for the phrase "make it hot".)    And so.

14.  PRELUDE (SKIT)

Well, that happened.

15.  I SHOT YA (REMIX) (FEAT. KEITH MURRAY, PRODIGY, FAT JOE, & FOXY BROWN)

James Todd Smith saves the best song for last, bringing listeners the quasi-infamous remix to "I Shot Ya", featuring Keith Murray and Prodigy (of Mobb Deep) taking thinly-veiled potshots at each other, an underage Foxy Brown attempting to entice the listener into some statutory rape, and Large Joseph trying his best to maintain his underground presence and form while heeding the mainstream's calls, all while LL himself lords over the proceedings as the hip hop legend he technically is, murdering all of the challengers and even managing to come up with yet another definition for the phrase "make it hot".  Since none of his guests take any shots at our host, "I Shot Ya (Remix)" isn't nearly as fun as "4,3,2,1", but that doesn't make it bad in the least bit, especially toward the end, where LL promises to call out his enemies by name "not this time, but next time", which apparently never happened (I guess he became too focused on Canibus and Wyclef Jean).  Thankfully, each rapper is in his or her element, as this celebration of New York chugs away over the same Trackmasters beat that propelled LL's original take into the spotlight.  I wish Prodigy's verse hadn't been censored, but this was still a great way to go out.

FINAL THOUGHTS:  Mr. Smith is impossible to listen to from start to finish today.  I have a strong suspicion that all of the bloggers out there who hold Mr. Smith in high regard today haven't bothered to listen to the album in at least fifteen years, because a lot of this is fucking awful.  LL Cool J spends the majority of the project trying to convince the listener that he isn't all about love raps, all while trying to steal your girlfriend away from you every chance he gets, and you can only do that so many times before people start to get annoyed.  His hardcore efforts mostly go unnoticed, except for when our host aligns himself with some of New York's hottest rappers at the time (on "I Shot Ya (Remix)"...don't fool yourselves, Keith Murray, Prodigy, Foxy Brown, and Fat Joe were all extremely popular at the time); for the most part, the man sounds like one of the worst actors on the big screen.  A far cry from what Cool James is able to accomplish when he puts his mind to it, Mr. Smith has aged worse than than cheese you accidentally left in the crisper drawer for the past twenty years.

BUY OR BURN?  Burn this one.  Mr. Smith doesn't hold up nearly as well as the hip hop apologists would like you to believe.  But the great tracks on here still sound really fucking good.

BEST TRACKS:  "I Shot Ya (Remix)"; "I Shot Ya"

B-SIDES THAT AREN'T NECESSARY TO TRACK DOWN BUT STILL MERIT A MENTION:

LOUNGIN' (WHO DO YA LUV) (REMIX) (FEAT. TOTAL)

For the fourth single from Mr. Smith, LL decided to remix "Loungin'", and if by "remix" you actually mean "release an entirely different song that has only the abso-fucking-lutely least to do with the original source material", then you're in luck.  Cool James abandons the Al B. Sure! melody in favor of some radio-friendly Trackmasters cotton candy that is so nondescript with its presence that it may as well be an unmarked white van, and the chorus, provided by Bad Boy girl group Total, consists of only two spoken lines repeated with the enthusiasm of a teenage boy working the drive-thru at Taco Bell.  LL Cool J may be the king of the love rap, but even a monarch can fall off of his throne and land face first in a cream pie every once in a while.

SUMMER LUV

This b-side to the "Loungin'" remix is confusingly labeled as the "LP Version" even though "Summer Luv" doesn't appear on any of LL's actual albums.  Also, it's censored, so it's hardly what I would consider to be an "LP Version" of anything.  Anyway, it's too bad this song isn't on Mr. Smith, as it's actually quite entertaining, with Cool James beating Rashad Smith's catchy instrumental into submission, and that last statement was somehow supposed to be a compliment.  You should look to "Summer Luv" if you're not entirely convinced that LL Cool J ever knew how to rap in the first place: his flow on here is indicative of his many years in the game as a seasoned veteran.  Also adding to the overall confusion: Def Jam commissioned a video for this song, one where Hype Williams basically predated YouTube fan clips by taking a bunch of footage of LL from all of his other videos and mashing them all together while Cool James performs the track by himself, to promote the release of our host's first greatest hits package All World; "Summer Luv" doesn't appear on that compilation either.

-Max

RELATED POSTS:

Catch up on LL Cool J by clicking here.

LL Cool J - Phenomenon (October 7, 1997)

If you two are playing close attention, you'll notice something a bit different about today's entry in the reverse-chronological catalog of HHID's LL Cool J write-ups.  Yep, that's right: this one isn't a Gut Reaction piece, as I actually own this album for some ungodly reason.  I'll choose to believe that my younger self elected to pick up Phenomenon, James Todd Smith's seventh studio album for Def Jam Records, simply because he knew that I would eventually write about it on this very blog.  That's the only decent explanation I can come up with for this project appearing in my crates that nobody believes actually exist, and it's laughable at best, since my younger self had no idea what a "blog" was or why "Gucci Mane". Just why.

Phenomenon was released in 1997, around the time that LL was fully engrossed in his acting career, as he was picking up movie roles left and right, as if they were pennies on the fucking sidewalk.  Its ten tracks were carefully crafted to capitalize on the audience that his previous effort, the comeback-of-sorts Mr. Smith, garnered: most of the songs were meant to appeal to the mainstream (read: female) audience, whereas a handful of tracks were singled out to prove that LL Cool J was still capable of entertaining the hip hop heads.  Almost as if to piss off every single person on the face of the Earth, though, James had the audacity to hire on Puff Daddy and his production team as Phenomenon's overseers, guaranteeing that the project would, at the very least, sample a bunch of songs from the 1980s for no good reason, because that was what Sean "Puffy" Combs did back in 1997, in between spoonfuls of his Count Chocula.

Phenomenon has been largely forgotten today (for a damn good reason, I might add, but I'm getting ahead of myself); in fact, it would have probably vanished from the face of the planet had it not been for a single song that, improbably, proved LL Cool J to be relevant in our chosen genre again.  Older hip hop heads will know exactly to what I'm referring to; the rest of you will just have to scroll down a bit.  Suffice it to say, that single track isn't enough to warrant any sort of Phenomenon renaissance. 

Besides, this album has allegedly sold more than one million copies, so LL Cool J clearly doesn't need any more exposure.

1. PHENOMENON

Phenomenon kicks off with its “White Lines (Don't Do It)”-jacking title track-slash-first single, casting doubt on the durability of the entire project for me. Cool James adopts a whisper-like flow, as if he's supposed to be cooing into a hot chick's ear for the duration of the track, and completely forgets about the male half of the world population, for which this song will do absolutely nothing for. Given how the instrumental somehow transformed an anti-cocaine screed into a blingy club song, it won't come as a surprise to discover that Puffy and his Hitmen are behind it. I'm sure there are women out there who love this song, but ask yourself, do you really want to be with a woman with such awful taste in music? For longer than the one night, I mean.

2. CANDY (FEAT. RICKY BELL & RALPH TRESVANT)

As love raps act as Ladies Love's social currency, he makes sure to fill up the short Phenomenon tracklisting with as many as he can before he conceivably loses his straight male fanbase (if there were any still around at this point in his career). This song is predictably saccharin, and not just because of the title, and before you ask, naming the song “Candy” and then inviting two members of New Edition to sing on it is absolutely not a coincidence, as they try their best to not sully the memory of the original “Candy Girl” while performing what is ostensibly an extension of their hit, which is still a guilty pleasure of mine. (You two feel the same way, too. Just let it happen.) James piles on so much sugar that his lady love walks away with Type II diabetes, but this is a love rap, so I kind of saw that coming.

3. STARSKY AND HUTCH (FEAT. BUSTA RHYMES)

Phenomenon contains exactly two songs for the hip hop heads: “4,3,2,1” and this track, featuring Busta Rhymes over a poppier-than-usual L.E.S. production. In between hearing Trevor Smith (no relation to our host) talk about shooting his load all over some anonymous groupie's back and Cool James spelling out his rap name, inserting unnecessary punctuation and thereby proving that he isn't even entirely sure what his name is supposed to look like what printed out, “Starsky and Hutch” (which has nothing to do with either the show or the not-so-great Todd Phillips movie of the same name) bored me to death. The rest of this write-up will have to be completed from beyond the grave, I suppose.

4. ANOTHER DOLLAR (FEAT. BUSTA RHYMES)

Mr. Rhymes also appears (in more of a hypeman fashion) on this track, which would have counted as Phenomenon's third attempt at a hip hop song, had it not been produced by committee (Curt Gowdy shares a credit with Poke & Tone of The Trackmasters), which automatically disqualifies it from the running. However, Cool James tackles a different topic than he's used to, basing the entire song around how much money he has and how much more he will make in the future, as opposed to what he normally does: briefly bragging about it while trying to fuck your girlfriend. Since that is pretty much what seventy-five percent of all other rap songs are about, I'm not sure exactly who the audience for this shit actually is, as this track doesn't cause any of the listeners to empathize with him, especially those few who paid to see that horrible remake of Rollerball in a theater.

5. NOBODY CAN FREAK YOU (FEAT. LESHAUN & KEITH SWEAT)

LL Cool J and LeShaun collaborate on a sequel to their Mr. Smith hit duet “Doin' It”, except this time they invite Keith Sweat into their bed the studio in the hopes of coercing him to both sing the hook and possibly pick up lunch for the duo, if he's in the area, because they'll totally pay him back when he arrives. This follow-up completely misses the point, turning the foreplay between the two leads into generic dance floor come-ons (admittedly, Poke & Tone's instrumental doesn't help all that much, either), causing you to mentally check out of this not-so-phenomenal song early. Moving on...

6. HOT, HOT, HOT

The chorus on here is fucking godawful, but if you isolated it from the rest of the track and set it to a pulsating electro beat, you'd have a genuine European club hit on your hands. In no way is that intended to be any sort of praise for this bullshit, though.

7. 4,3,2,1 (FEAT. METHOD MAN, REDMAN, DMX, & CANIBUS)

This is the only track from Phenomenon that anybody even remotely remembers, and this is from an album where the title track was the first single, so that's a bad sign. Anyway, Erick Sermon provides a shuffling beat for Redman, Method Man, and DMX blah blah blah, who gives a flying fuck, all you two care about is the fact that “4,3,2,1” is ground zero for the LL Cool J / Canibus feud. Here's my take: Germaine's original verse contained a line about LL's microphone tattoo on his arm that wasn't even really a dis (he simply wanted to “borrow” it, presumably to spit a rhyme, not understanding that it wasn't a real microphone and it couldn't amplify soundwaves properly), but Cool James lost his cool, insisting that Canibus rewrite his verse: in doing so, LL also promised to retool his own bars, which contained a response to the “attack”. Germaine did as he was told, but LL kept his verse the same. A dick move? Absolutely. Was Canibus justified in taking his attack to the next level? Not necessarily: had he kept his fucking mouth shut, LL's verse would have sounded incoherent, as he would have been attacking an imaginary foe, but thanks to Germaine's confirmation (and all of the publicity this beef generated for both artists), it's now impossible to listen to “4,3,2,1” and not imagine the elder statesman berating his younger charge. This is still the best song on Phenomenon hands down, but every single other guest is overshadowed by the controversy, including Master P, who was featured on the song's “remix” that really only erased Canibus and inserted P's verse before that of Cool James. Give it up to our host, though: even when throwing punches at the shadows surrounding him, he still has the capacity to sound entertaining on the mic. (For the record, “The Ripper Strikes Back”, which was never officially released, is the pinnacle of his performance in the battle, which he absolutely no-fucking-question-in-my-mind won: when was the last time you saw Canibus do anything relevant?)

8. WANNA GET PAID (FEAT. THE LOST BOYZ)

This radio-friendly collaboration with the Lost Boyz (a crew that I really need to get back to, writing-wise) samples Orange Krush's “Action”, which would have worked much more effectively had I not listened to Puff Daddy and Jay-Z's “Do You Like It...Do You Want It” much more recently. Curiously, this song was produced by Daven “Prestige” Vanderpool, one of Puffy's Hitmen, which can only mean that Sean Combs heard this song (as Phenomenon was released before Puff Daddy's Forever) and decided to swipe the instrumental wholesale for use on his own project. (Which is probably exactly what happened, as Prestige shares a production credit on the Forever track.) Anyway, this song isn't horrible by any means, but this wasn't the way I wanted to reintroduce the Lost Boyz to the blog, especially as they're not given much to do on here, aside from the chorus and the occasional ad-lib (speaking of which, R.I.P. Freaky Tah). You'll notice that I haven't written a single word about LL's contribution to this song until just now.

9. FATHER

As hip hop is the last major art form that still revels in its homophobia (just like how modern-day country music is a haven for pro-Republican screeching, save for the Dixie Chicks, which makes that genre different from pretty much every single other form of entertainment media in the motherfucking world), it was pretty ballsy for Cool James to use a sample from George Michael's “Father Figure”. (As a fan of 1980s music who actually likes early George Michael and some Wham!, though, I wholeheartedly approve.) LL decides to use this song to frankly discuss how much of an abusive asshole his father was (he once opened fire on his mother, for instance), lending this track more credence than your typical Cool James song. It isn't great to actually listen to, but it was intriguing enough.

10. DON'T BE LATE, DON'T COME TOO SOON (FEAT. TAMIA)

Yes, that song title means exactly what you think it means, So yeah, I'm done here.

FINAL THOUGHTS: Phenomenon is the reason why I stopped giving a fuck about LL Cool J, and in listening to it today, I'm reminded that my decision was the correct one. Cool James attempted to follow up the commercial success of Mr. Smith by not altering his formula, a combination of love raps with some hardcore thug shit thrown in for good measure, but he completely forgot to make the songs even remotely entertaining. Even the set's best track, the massive collaboration “4,3,2,1”, is only interesting because of its backstory and the resulting fallout: Erick Sermon's beat on there isn't one of his best, and the guests who weren't named Canibus all get lost in the haze, which isn't a good thing when said guests are motherfucking Method Man, Redman, and an in-his-prime DMX. The few “hip hop” songs on Phenomenon don't connect, since Ladies Love hasn't sounded convincing in that department ever since he scored his role on In The House, and the love raps fail to sound appealing to the opposite sex. Phenomenon is an aural representation of a man coasting on laurels that he was just recently rewarded, so none of the points on here feel earned. In short (because this write-up is already much too long), Phenomenon is a hot mess. A short hot mess (I'm really thankful that this album is only ten tracks deep), but a hot mess regardless.

BUY OR BURN? No.

BEST TRACKS: “4,3,2,1”, if I absolutely have to choose something

-Max

RELATED POSTS:

Catch up on the other installments of The LL Cool J Experiment by clicking here.

My Gut Reaction: LL Cool J - G.O.A.T. (Featuring James T. Smith, The Greatest Of All Time) (September 5, 2000)

In 2000, James Todd Smith found himself at a crossroads.  His last album, 1997's Phenomenon, was all but forgotten within the murky waters that constitute hip hop beef (his legendary battle with young scrapper Canibus, which people to this day claim he lost but when you look at the career of Canibus it becomes very fucking obvious that LL Cool J won that fight, began on that very project).  Instead of catering to the ladies that followed his acting career and his many love songs, Ladies Love needed to reinvent himself to remain relevant in hip hop. 


In the three years that it took him to finally record and release his eighth solo album, the ridiculously titled G.O.A.T. (Featuring James T. Smith, The Greatest Of All Time) (which I will refer to as G.O.A.T. from this point forward just because I can), he successfully made a case for his continued rap career.  He began to refer to himself as the Greatest Of All Time (hence the acronym in the album title), he destroyed Canibus in the unreleased "The Ripper Strikes Back", which was a response to Germaine's "Second Round K.O.", a beef that I plan on diving into whenever I finally get to Phenomenon.  (Much less known is his response record to Wyclef Jean, "Rasta Impostor", which was all sorts of terrible.  Seriously, unless you're Lauryn Hill, why bother dissing Wyclef?  It's like yelling at a retarded puppy.)  He starred in the Oliver Stone film Any Given Sunday, where he promptly started to hate the shit out of co-star Jamie Foxx.  (Just like with Wyclef, the beef with Jamie Foxx has since been squashed.)  And he recorded a song called "Ill Bomb", which shocked the hell out of everyone in hip hop because it proved that LL Cool James could actually hang with the new kids, and what's more, he could buy them liquor, too!  That makes him cool, right?


G.O.A.T. was LL Cool J's first album to debut in the number one slot of the Billboard 200.  Although it certainly has its share of songs for the ladies, LL went out of his way to appeal to the streets.  He visited inmates on Rikers Island for inspiration, he secured beats from producers such as DJ Scratch and Adam F., and he even swung a sackful of kittens around an A&P just to prove he could.  And he regained his ability to hold a grudge: G.O.A.T. contains numerous potshots at the aforementioned Canibus and Jamie Foxx, although to be fair, he clearly bested both of them and was now just showing the fuck off.


G.O.A.T. is also notable as being the final album I can write a Gut Reaction post to in LL's catalog.  I stopped caring about where his career was going after Phenomenon, so I naturally moved on to other wastes of my money (*cough* Wu-Tang b-teamers *cough*).  So will I finally be surprised with an LL Cool James project?  Probably not, but let's continue anyway.


1. INTRO
Over the same Mad Lads sample (from “Gone, The Promises of Yesterday”) that Cappadonna and Ghostface Killah used for “'97 Mentality”, Cool James establishes the rules for the album: as he is an incredible rap artist (the greatest of all time, perhaps?), you will enjoy what amounts to his comeback to hip hop relevancy, goddammit, regardless of how you feel about his love raps. LL throws in much more profanity than I remember hearing during the previous three write-ups combined (Exit 13 is excluded from this comparison), and I have to say that the men does make a credible case for us believing in his mic skills again. This was actually pretty fucking good.


2. IMAGINE THAT (FEAT LESHAUN)
Unlike this shit, which is pretty fucking tedious. I've never seen a rapper fall off so quickly; during the empty space between the intro and “Imagine That”, LL Cool James somehow lost the plot and decided to stick with the status quo, as he uses his sex rap as currency to pay for his performance-enhancing drugs. Rockwilder, who was a hot producer in hip hop at this time for some indiscernible reason, provides an instrumental full of blips and beeps that fail to form into anything resembling music, and James Todd uses the chorus to brag that he can disrespect a woman (specifically LeShaun, who last appeared on LL's hit “Doin' It”) and still get that ass later. Well, that's appealing. I've already lost faith in G.O.A.T.


3. BACK WHERE I BELONG (FEAT JA RULE)
Ja Rule could vanish off of the face of the Earth and everyone would go about their daily lives without interruption, including Ja's mother and his children, so I won't even bother taking a potshot at his terribly inconsequential chorus. Instead, I'll focus on our host, who attacks Canibus with such ferocious tenacity (at one point even claiming that he was conspiring with Wyclef to set up the young upstart for failure) that it makes little sense that LL essentially admits to losing the battle because he wasn't willing to stoop to Germaine's level. Huh? I like to hear a focused LL rant, so this wasn't bad, but his actual response record, “The Ripper Strikes Back”, which was never officially released on any album but can easily be found online, accurately and methodically tore Canibus a new one, so I don't understand his sudden turn for the humble, unless he was just trying to prove a point. You won, LL: give it up already.


4. LL COOL J (FEAT CANDICE LOVE)
Obviously, Cool James realized that he didn't have a self-titled record in his back catalog, and decided to rectify that omission. I loved it when DJ Premier used “I Put A Spell On You” (from Screamin' Jay Hawkins) as a platform for The Notorious B.I.G. to kick doors an anonymous door while brandishing a firearm. Vada Nobles's take on the same source material, though, is fucking horrible, so much so that even if LL Cool J sounded decent (which he doesn't), you would need to skip this shit in order to avoid the inevitable migraine headache. What the fuck was this shit supposed to be, Mr. Smith? Huh?


5. TAKE IT OFF
British producer Adam F. gives LL Cool J his own version of Q-Tip's “Vivrant Thing”, and to his credit, this was actually fairly entertaining, except for whenever the poorly-conceived hook kicked in. But this was still catchy enough that I'm surprised Def Jam didn't push this onto multiple media platforms. It's not LL's best song by any means, but he's done a lot worse, both before and since.


6. SKIT
I would normally comment that this skit (which, apparently, leads straight into the next track) is unnecessary, but guest star Redman's stoner assertion that “your mom plays guitar for D'Angelo” somehow qualifies as an insult was fucking hilarious. Oh, Reggie, you got me again!


7. FUHGIDABOWDIT (FEAT DMX, REDMAN, & METHOD MAN)
LL Cool J and his friends attempt to recapture the magic from their previous collaboration, Phenomenon's “4,3,2,1”, conveniently forgetting about the fact that “4,3,2,1” actually started the battle between LL and Canibus to begin with. (Germaine is, of course, missing in action.) James even convinced the Trackmasters to provide the beat, but the problem is that this song blows. The performances are lively enough, but the instrumental is very weak, the quartet adopt New Jersey HBO mob slang for a chorus that is apropos to nothing, and it's obvious that all four artists behind the mic were more interested in the easy paycheck than having to actually come up with something new. However, as I have already forgotten about this song (as I'm sure both of you have also already done), I'm not very bothered by this development.


8. FARMERS (FEAT TIKI DIAMOND)
LL Cool James shouldn't have to resort to vocal gimmicks (such as punching in the last two syllables of every bar) to sell a song, but here we are. I was nonplussed by everything on here, save for our host's claim that another major label was trying to woo him away from Def Jam. My money's on No Limit. Then again, I also believe that the Washington Generals are due.


9. THIS IS US (FEAT CARL THOMAS)
You know what you're getting into whenever you see the Carl Thomas brand affixed to any rap song: generic piffle. If only Carl would occasionally sing some gangsta shit a la Nate Dogg, we might still give a fuck about his career. I also just realized that I can't remember one goddamn thing about this song, so I'm not sure how I've written such a long paragraph.


10. CAN'T THINK
LL tackles a Ty Fyffe beat that sounds as though it would have been better suited for a crime tale from The Lox. Of course, Cool James can't talk about stealing shit, as nobody would ever believe that the guy who has his own CBS hourlong police procedural is also a criminal mastermind, so he adopts an alternate tactic: he raps about himself. Selective censorship is always intriguing to me: I'm pretty sure the word “hell” is backmasked, but the word “fuck” is not, so that was different. This wasn't bad, though, for what it is.


11. HELLO (FEAT AMIL)
LL Cool J has phone sex with former F.O.H. (Friend of Hova) Amil, all while his girlfriend is...out? In the next room? Sitting on his lap? Who the fuck cares? With Teairra Mari on Todd Smith's “Preserve The Sexy” and now this, I find it disturbing that LL wants to fuck chicks who were once signed to Roc-A-Fella Records exclusively. DJ Scratch's beat wasn't bad, bit it wasn't meant to play in the background during a corny sex rap. I seem to remember Cool James giving the readers of Vibe his sexual tips in an issue, and he mentioned the shower curtain and baby oil trick also discussed on here. So he's even reusing his own material. Oh well. Maybe I didn't care for this song because I've never found Amil remotely attractive. She's no Teairra Mari, that's for sure.


12. YOU AND ME (FEAT KELLY PRICE)
Meh. This shit is also five-and-a-half minutes long, so double meh.


13. HOMICIDE
What the fuck is up with the long-ass songs on G.O.A.T.? Does Ladies Love really think he has that much to say? Clearly he does: on “Homicide”, he uses DJ Scratch's instrumental to spin a few yarns describing life in the streets and comparing the hood to the tragic events of Columbine (although LL is quick to mention multiple times that he isn't trying to act disrespectful toward the victims of that tragedy). I wonder if the story about “Bunz” during the first verse was intended to be a direct attack on Jamie Foxx, as that was his character's name in Booty Call. Shit, I can't believe I actually remembered that bit of trivia.


14. U CAN'T FUCK WITH ME (FEAT SNOOP DOGG, XZIBIT, & JAYO FELONY)
Speaking of Jamie Foxx, the end of LL's first verse on this unexpected string-laced banger is absolutely directed toward the man who would go on to win an Oscar for portraying Ray Charles as if his life was restricted to the confines of a Diet Pepsi commercial. Aside from the guest list, there isn't much about this DJ Scratch-produced song that screams out “West Coast”, and if you erased Jayo Felony's shitty performance entirely (I believe he was included as a part of Def Jam's Make A Wish program: Jayo wished that his fellow labelmates would finally pay some fucking attention to him, and Cool James got the call), this shit would actually sound even better. Fuck it, this song was pretty hot. X and Snoop mesh with LL as if they were peanut butter, jelly, and the small bag of potato chips that you can readily find at any sandwich shop.


15. QUEENS IS (FEAT MOBB DEEP)
Yet another Mobb Deep attempt (Havoc behind the boards, Cellblock P on the mic) to filter their sound through an artist who doesn't really fit their mold. Unlike Hav's work with Foxy Brown and Eminem, though, this song rings hollow. Did I just imply that Foxy Brown and Eminem are not only comparable as artists, but that they're also both better at their craft than LL Cool J? I did and I didn't. It is what it is.


16. THE G.O.A.T.
In this title track of sorts (since the actual title of the album doesn't include the “the”), Cool James decides to assert his dominance over all other farm animals by taking over the dance floor. The man has a point: your favorite rapper today probably does have all of LL's albums sitting somewhere on his shelf: Ladies Love has been in the rap game for eighty-six years running. But this self-imposed “greatest of all time” label is ridiculous, since all LL has under his belt is an impressive work ethic that resulted in thirteen major label albums, all with Def Jam: he hasn't done much to actually advance the art form. Except for choosing an acronym that causes him to constantly refer to himself as a goat. That's fucking awesome.


G.O.A.T. caps off the evening with a couple of bonus tracks.


17. ILL BOMB (FUNKMASTER FLEX & BIG KAP FEAT LL COOL J)
During the “Intro”, Cool James mentioned that the genesis of G.O.A.T. came about when he dropped a song called “Ill Bomb” (which was originally featured on Funkmaster Flex & Big Kap's The Tunnel) and everybody realized that he was still pretty entertaining behind the mic (read: he didn't sound completely corny when he cursed). So it makes sense that he would include this Scratch-produced track as a bonus song an album that probably sold a bit more than Flex did. It helps that this shit still sounds pretty fresh today: I was one of those hip hop heads that had essentially written off LL before he unleashed this banger.


18. M.I.S.S. I (FEAT CASE)
Clearly left off of the final cut of G.O.A.T. for a reason. Don't feel bad for guest star Case, though: his career was already over at this point.


Overseas pressings of G.O.A.T. include additional bonus tracks as well, but I don't have any of those versions, so I'm just about done here.


THE LAST WORD: While G.O.A.T. is a step in the right direction for LL Cool J (I know, that statement sounds weird when you realize that I'm working through the man's catalog in reverse chronological order), his attempt to mix his standard love raps with an awkwardly aggressive tone mostly falls flat. On the hardcore tracks, he spits with a fire that I hadn't heard since “The Ripper Strikes Back”, tearing his nemeses Canibus and Jamie Foxx in half, but those moments are few and far between. The rest of the project is padded with substandard songs for the ladies, misguided attempts at social commentary, and general braggadocio regarding how he plans on using his skills as an actor to fuck your girlfriend in the back of your SUV while sticking you with the cleaning bill, as he does truly have that much game. The production work ranges wildly from great to piss-poor, and while Cool James sounds technically proficient over any beat, it's tough to find a reason for anybody to actually want to buy this album. Until next time, Mr. Smith.


-Max


RELATED POSTS:
Catch up on the LL Cool J experiment by clicking here.

My Gut Reaction: LL Cool J - 10 (October 8, 2002)

10, the tenth album from James Todd Smith,  also served as his tenth major label excuse to flex his muscles on an album cover.  He wasn't contractually allowed to do this on all of his own albums, however: as such, he made sure to appear on the artwork for Metallica's The Black Album and the soundtrack to Predator.


With this release, LL Cool J was officially marked as the first artist in Def Jam Records history that managed to drop ten consecutive albums (one of which was a greatest hits package, named All World) without getting dropped; as this just doesn't happen on major labels these days, it's become blatantly obvious that this "fledgling actor" (as Faux News likes to refer to him) has some sexually explicit and questionable photographs of Def Jam executives hidden in a FUBU shoebox in his upstairs closet.  That's the only way that I can explain why Cool James has been allowed to keep his spot at the label he helped build, when other hip hop veterans that came up with him now struggle to pick up overtime hours at Carl's Jr.


For 10, LL looked to The Neptunes, the hot producers of the moment, to help craft his sound and reach the female audience in a way he never had before: overtly.  They handled five tracks, shaping the overall feel of 10, and apparently they did such a good job that they later secured jobs handling the bulk of other album projects.  (LL's next album, The DEFinition, was mainly handled by Timbaland, Pharrell and Chad's Virginia neighbor who was also massively popular at the time.  They would later pair up and essentially "make" Justin Timberlake as a solo superstar, although Andy Samberg and the rest of The Lonely Island may have something to say about that.)


10 was released to mild-to-tepid reviews from music critics who had long since moved on from LL's lip-licking pop rap, but in an effort to capitalize on a hit song from Jennifer Lopez on which he made a cameo, 10 was re-released with the very same collaboration tacked on at the end, in an effort to trick consumers into picking this album up instead of whatever the hell J-Lo had out at the time.  Although, if this sales tactic actually drew attention away from J-Lo's project, then I applaud the jackasses at Def Jam for beating a dead horse by throwing money at it.


Yeah, that metaphor was pretty weak.  Give me a break: I'm kind of tired.


1. INTRO (FEAT FREE & RICH NICE)
I can see that Cool James felt the need to include a tedious rap album intro on his “tenth” album (which is really his ninth). On here, he explains to guest star Free (the former host of 106 & Park, where this intro appears to have been lifted from, and an acquaintance of Canibus, curiously) that 10 effectively marks the end of his original contract with Def Jam Records (even though he signed an extension prior to 10 being recorded). I wholeheartedly agree that a single rap artists releasing ten albums with the same label is a commendable feat, especially in this unstable hip hop climate. Does this mean that LL will pull out all the stops to entertain the fans that have stuck around all these years? Or will Cool James coast on his looks and secure beats from the flavor of the moment in an effort to appeal to the half of the world's population that actually buys albums? I think you two already know the answer to that.


2. BORN TO LOVE YOU
LL starts the track off by stating his full legal name. That's never a good sign. The lyrics, which pander to the “independent” woman who has become hugely popular in hip hop as of late (because rappers are now often unable to afford to pay for everything on a date after using their entire record advance to pay for their entourage), don't even match the chorus, thereby negating the existence of this very track. The Trackmasters beat also sounds like the Trackmasters doing a poor imitation of the Trackmasters, if that makes any sense. I'm not looking forward to the rest of 10. Side note: wouldn't truly independent women simply fuck the rapper or R&B singer in question and then leave his ass, since they have lives to lead, work to complete, and better shit to do?


3. LUV U BETTER (FEAT PHARRELL WILLIAMS & MARC DORSEY)
This was the first single from 10 (because the bonus track does not count), handled in an uncharacteristic manner by The Neptunes, and although I ignored this upon its original release (even in my past life as a collector of all things Pharrell and Chad, I thought the beat was boring, so I paid “Luv U Better” no mind), I was pleasantly surprised today. LL's plea to make things right in a relationship that has grown complacent in has surprising depth for a radio single (which may help explain why this wasn't a huge hit). At least this song proves that LL still has it in him to write a good song. Who knew?


4. PARADISE (FEAT AMERIE)
This may have been a single as well. I've always felt bad for Amerie: even though she's had a couple of really good songs (“One Thing” still rocks shit, by the way), she was never able to translate those minor successes and her overall cuteness into anything in the United States aside from her brief tenure as the go-to girl for an R&B hook on a rap song (see: Nas, Royce da 5'9”). “Paradise” (which sucks, by the way) uses the same Keni Burke “Risin' To The Top” sample Pete Rock and CL Smooth flipped for their “Take You There”, a far superior song (and one which also brings forth the feeling of being on a tropical island: I suppose there is just something about this sample that encourages daydreams of vacations that haven't yet occurred) that LL has to have heard of in the past: why do rappers even bother rocking familiar samples when comparisons are inevitable?


5. FA HA
Once the real beat (handled by DJ S&S) kicked in, my interest perked up significantly. And then the annoying (and annoyingly inconsistent) loud sound bite “Ha!” incorporated itself into said beat, and “Fa Ha” lost me. Which is a shame: the beat bubbles just underneath the surface while LL spits some actual thoughtful lyrics about a woman and the streets (both represented by “her”; sometimes both are referred to within a single bar). It's too bad the producer felt that he needed to make “Fa Ha” sound like a shitty song instead of putting in some elbow grease. Sigh.


6. NIGGY NUTS
When I first read the title, I figured that I would have to censor it out, but then I realized that this is just LL's version of Redman's “It's the diggy diggy Doc, y'all”. I haven't quite figured out how Cool James used a Neptunes-laced misfire to refer to his genitalia without incurring the wrath of the Parental Advisory sticker, but maybe the PMRC tried to listen to this shit and shut it off before the hook came in because there is nothing appealing about this song in the least bit. Kind of like how the rest of the hip hop audience will feel, I believe.


7. AMAZIN' (FEAT KANDICE LOVE)
LL kicks his first verse over yet another dull Neptunes soundscape (at this very moment, it's hard for me to grasp how that production team became so goddamn popular), and then basically cedes the track to special guest Kandice Love, who proceeds to take over with some inconsequential feel-good lyrics intended to make love sound “Amazin'”, but instead turning it into something that's a “maybe”. James even tries to sneak back onto the song to kick a second verse, but that shit doesn't even matter: this battle was lost the moment the 'record' button was pressed.


8. CLOCKIN' G'S
This is more representative of the kind of Neptunes beat that I actually like. To his credit, Cool James drops an effective monologue describing the synapses popping off in the mind of a guy obsessed with material possessions (including women). Okay, that description made this sound smarter than it really is: this song is about getting money and what to do with it afterward. In other words, it's a joint for the clubs. It isn't rocket science, but LL rides the beat well, so this ended up being not that bad.


9. LOLLIPOP
See, it's not just Lil' Wayne and Snoop: all rappers love writing songs called “Lollipop”. The candy confection is just very popular, and it lends itself well to being a euphemism for your dick. The beat (by Eric Nicks and Zukhan Bey, the latter of which also produced “P-Poppin'” by Ludacris and the former of which vanished off of the planet after this shit tanked) is so sickly sweet that you'll walk away from this song thisclose to being in a diabetic coma, which is never a good thing. I can't believe I'm writing the next sentence, so let me take a deep breath first. Okay. I'm ready now. I'd rather listen to Wayne's song on an endless loop than this shit, and that song is also fucking terrible. I know, I feel dirty, too.


10. AFTER SCHOOL (FEAT P. DIDDY)
I've heard rap songs before where the artists involved confuse listing the characteristics of various promiscuous women (who are always named; otherwise, other rappers may think that you're making all this shit up) with actual song lyrics, but this is among the worst. Cool James and Puff Daddy manage to take an old-school concept and, instead, make all old-school hip hop sound like a waste of your fucking valuable time. There is no need for anybody else to ever suffer through this shit, and I include LL and Diddy in that assessment, as I am not a vengeful or masochistic person. I would, however, subject Curtis Jackson and U-God to this, because I would consider that as an act of charity, and I can deduct that from my taxes.


11. THROW YA L'S UP
James Todd Smith's attempt to appease the guys whose girlfriends or wives are forcing them to listen to 10. On here, LL pretends that he's still as aggressive behind the mic as he was when he battled Canibus, which is also referred to in LL lore as “the last time he was relevant”. The problem is that this track isn't the least bit convincing: you'll probably walk away from this thinking that LL Cool J is one of the most overrated emcees in the game, and you wouldn't be that far from the truth. Oh, and you'll also probably end up annoyed with your girlfriend or wife, and you'll want to fuck her best friend out of some baseless need for revenge. I urge you to realize the consequences of those actions first, and instead use your girl's love of all things LL to set up some three-way action. You'll be happier in the long run.


12. U SHOULD
Cool James spends the entire track telling your girl how happy he can make her, while the hook, acting as the voice of reason, simply repeats the refrain “You should know how to treat your girl, playboy”, directly to the listener. However, I'm confused. How many guys who aren't music critics will actually sit through this shit and hear that message? Or maybe that was the point: this way, you can't say that LL didn't try to warn you when he swoops in and bangs your girl six ways from Sunday. Clever, James. Very clever.


13. 10 MILLION STARS
It's a bit too late to call it a comeback, Ladies Love. As one of the few rap veterans in the game who still manages to keep himself in the public eye (primarily due to his second life as an actor), LL deserves a valid shot at continuing his hip hop legacy. The first step would be to secure far better producers than those that populate 10. With assistance such as what he ended up with, there's no way that LL can win, regardless of how ill his lyrics actually are. (For the record, LL Cool J sounds pretty awful on here. I was just writing all of that to (a) make a valid point, and (b) fill the empty space.)


14. MIRROR MIRROR
Meh.


15. BIG MAMA (UNCONDITIONAL LOVE) (FEAT DRU HILL)
LL dedicates this song to my grandmother, which, honestly, has been a long time coming: who else would have offered to drive his dog to the vet after she trapped herself in the chain-link fence separating our properties while his own grandmother was out playing bingo, eating an early bird special, and doing whatever else old people do? For this ode to his own “big mama” (not Martin Lawrence, thank God), LL Cool J resurrects the tattered corpses of the R&B group Dru Hill, who all faded into obscurity after Sisqo famously sang the praises of thongs. This was cheesy, but it was still a decent way to end the album, if only because LL actually sounds heartfelt. Oh, if only this were truly the end...


The following bonus track appears at the end of 10, added on by record label executives to capitalize on “synergy”, which is always a bad reason to do anything remotely associated with music.


16. ALL I HAVE (JENNIFER LOPEZ FEAT LL COOL J)
Appalling in so many ways. That is all. No, wait, I have more: Fuck this shit. This was a hit song at one point? What the fucking fuck is fucking wrong with you, America? Between this and Twilight, young women seem to have truly horrific taste in everything.


THE LAST WORD: I naturally assumed that, by working through LL Cool J's discography in reverse chronological order, I would start off with some garbage and find better material as I progressed. As it is, 10 is simply a terrible album, one which makes The DEFinition sound like Liquid Swords. Cool James has lost the ability to surround himself with quality producers, choosing instead to simply hire the most expensive at the time (The Neptunes cost a pretty penny), but rappers should have learned by now that throwing money at the problem doesn't solve said problem. LL Cool J simply has nothing much to say, and he hides this omission by claiming that his songs are for the female audience. Women listen to lyrics too, you know, and they will eventually discover that recycled love songs and fake thug posturing when you're a cast member on NCIS: Los Angeles don't automatically make you an artist they should continue to follow. There is nothing on 10 that screams to be heard: including one of two halfway decent tracks only serves to trick consumers into purchasing inferior products. Also, I suppose there was a somewhat valid reason to include J-Lo's “All I Have” on 10, but how is including her name on the back of an LL Cool J CD going to convince hip hop heads to buy this shit? There is no need for you two to even pretend to care about this shit.


-Max


RELATED POSTS:
Catch up on the rest of the James Todd Smith Experience by clicking here.

My Gut Reaction: LL Cool J - The DEFinition (August 31, 2004)

Trudging my way through the catalog of James Todd Smith is taking me a bit longer than I thought, especially since my motivation to do so has been hampered by how poorly Exit 13 and Todd Smith sounded, but I plan on continuing to fight on, as I find these reviews funny, and ultimately, that's all that matters.


The pseudo-thugged out look that LL Cool J exhibits on the album cover for The DEFinition would lead one to believe that the man has finally given in to the pressures of providing consistently decent hip hop music and has instead decided to start beating the shit out of people for fun and/or profit.  Instead, this may well be the blingiest Cool James album I've listened to yet: over half of the album is produced by former hitmaker Timbaland (who may be questioning the loyalty of his own fans right now, given how well Shock Value II is currently doing in stores), and the rest is handled by a mishmash of folks, all of whom try their damnedest to get the ladies to shake their respective asses on the floor.


That's right, folks: this is LL Cool J's club album.


Confusing matters even more if the album's very title.  The DEFinition is named as such to draw attention to LL's status as one of the guys who essentially built Def Jam Records from the ground up.  He's the old-timer who shows up to work every day, does nothing but complain about how things have changed and how his coffee is too hot, and hits on the female staff for the fuck of it, but yet he's also the guy who has released the most solo albums on Def Jam: The DEFinition was his tenth overall (and his ninth solo album if you don't count the All World greatest hits package, which I don't).  Considering that Def Jam wasn't exactly started up just so their roster of artists could receive consistent club play (it just kind of happened that way), I have no clue why James Todd would choose this project to call himself Def Jam Employee of the Month.  (It might have worked a bit better for Exit 13.)


The DEFinition went on to move over five hundred thousand units, so there have to be people out there that actually own this one.  The first single, "Headsprung", is vintage Timbaland from a time when he didn't hate rap music so goddamn much (unlike today, when he will refuse to work with a rapper unless his first name is Shawn and his last name rhymes with "smarter"), and it's bouncy sound is enough to get the women on the floor, so I guess, for one song at least, Timbo fulfilled the mission statement that LL Cool J drafted for this album.


So how did everyone else do?


1. HEADSPRUNG (FEAT TIMBALAND)
Not surprisingly, The DEFinition kicks off with its biggest asset. What is surprising is how well this track actually works. It failed to make a massive impact when it was first released to radio around my way; I think it was played approximately one and a half times. However, a few years removed from its conception, “Headsprung” sounds far more entertaining than what passes for club piffle in 2010. Cool James rides Timmy's instrumental like a roller coaster, hitting all of the typical peaks and valleys a club song attracts (read: some of these lyrics are pure crap), but the package still works as a whole. I'm troubled by the fact that The DEFinition is front-loaded with this song, though: this does not bode well for the rest of my article.


2. RUB MY BACK
Wow, it sure didn't take long for The DEFinition to wade into uncharted waters with the consistency of utter bullshit. LL's tired come-ons aren't as bad as they are in his later work, but they are matched on here by an equally lackluster Timbo beat that fits him about as well as as a toddler's first pair of Chuck Taylor's would. Jay-Z might have been able to salvage this instrumental (he wouldn't have twisted it into a good song, mind you, but he could have Tim Gunn-ed it), but LL is left to sink in the quicksand. If this is indicative of Timbaland's production work on the rest of the album, I may as well throw in the towel right now.


3. I'M ABOUT TO GET HER (FEAT R. KELLY)
LL Cool J is “still a teen pop idol, like Hanson”? The hell? Our host for this evening isn't even living in the same fucking millennium as the rest of us, and yet he expects us to enjoy his music? Anyway, I'm not sure if Ladies Love's well-documented issues with Hova were in full effect at this point, but he recruits R. Kelly to sing and co-produce (alongside, of all people, motherfucking Teddy Riley, who seems to have had no input whatsoever) a track that comes across as a contribution to the Kells and Hov The Best Of Both Worlds project that Shawn might have rejected. James also spits verses that seem to have nothing to do with the actual song, but I may have missed something simply because I was fucking bored.


4. MOVE SOMETHIN'
If you listened to, say, “Mama Said Knock You Out” and then immediately followed that up with “Move Somethin'”, you would be skeptical to believe that they were both performed by the same artist. It's not as if rappers aren't allowed to update their sound for the times: hell, they do it all the time, especially the more tenured rappers in the industry who struggle with the concept of relevancy in today's youth-driven market. But LL Cool J literally sounds as if he was secretly replaced with decaf. The club-ready insipid lyrics could have been spit by my ten-year-old cousin with just about the same degree of intensity. Clearly, for Cool James it isn't about the music anymore: he simply refuses to fade into the background quietly. N.O. Joe's Timbaland-esque clone of an instrumental also doesn't help matters any.


5. HUSH (FEAT 7 AURELIUS)
LL Cool J is entitled to his love raps: admittedly, the man does them better than most (or at least he used to). But this track is dead on arrival, thanks to the insistence of producer 7 Aurelius on building the beat around his own fucking vocals, which are so distorted through Auto-Tune that they may as well have been performed by Stephen Hawking. Oh well, at least this ranks amongst the shorter offerings on The DEFinition. For the record, James Todd Smith plays along admirably, but he has nothing to work with on this second single, so the track still sucks.


6. EVERY SIP (FEAT CANDICE NELSON)
This song was fucking awful. That's all I got.


7. SHAKE IT BABY
Somehow, LL draws a correlation between the music industry and the Iraq war, which isn't impressive in the least bit: I imagine that there are many soldiers overseas who would be pissed off that Cool James dismissed their plight and struggle without so much as a flick of his wrist.  LL uses this N.O. Joe beat to spit random bars that have nothing to do with babies shaking anything at all, but at least he (finally!) admits on the hook that he only makes music for the ladies now. Well, that's a relief: I was about to be offended by the ridiculousness of The DEFinition thus far, but I'm not even a part of the target demographic!  My favorite part of this track was when it segued into the next one abruptly.


8. CAN'T EXPLAIN IT (FEAT CANDICE NELSON)
You can't explain what, Cool James? All you talk about on this song is fucking, even referencing a 69 at one point (albeit in a relatively creative manner, I must admit). This track isn't mysterious in the least bit: you wrote a song about sex for the female audience to swoon over. I wouldn't be surprised if there was a woman out t here that named this as her favorite LL song, if only because she enjoyed masturbating to it. The female vocals, meant to be soothing and hot but coming across as shrill instead, are entirely unnecessary, but for what this is, I've heard much worse.


9. FEEL THE BEAT
This was the B-side to the “Headsprung” 12-inch single: I even heard it on the radio exactly one time. Tim Mosely turns in a simplistic beat with an old-school feel, while LL sounds energized for the first time since...well, let's just say that he's been sleepwalking throughout most of The DEFinition. As a result, this track was alright. I don't understand LL's tactic for avoiding crank calls, which he details on this track: whenever someone mentions that their “cell [phone] is disconnected”, that usually means that they couldn't afford to pay the bill, which isn't something that one would brag about with confidence. Still, not bad.


10. APPLE COBBLER
I'm all for rap songs that devote the entirety of their subject matter to the beauty of the female ass, but the oversimplification that takes place on here is a bit disturbing, as LL and Timmy refer to an unnamed female's ample bottom as an “Apple Cobbler” and request for it to be “deep fried” (I don't even want to know what the fuck that's supposed to mean), but not before referring to her “apple pie” as well, which either means the vagina or the asshole, depending on your preference. (Given the biggest joke in American Pie, I think they're talking about pussy.) This was weird, but the beat was decent enough, I suppose. Oh, I just realized that “deep fried” may be code for the unnamed female in question to drop it low on the dance floor, now that I think about it. Well, that makes me feel a lot better.


11. 1 IN THE MORNING
Dame Grease's beat gives this song an energy that would have made more sense had Cool James started off The DEFinition with it, as opposed to tacking it on at the very end. LL sounds okay enough with his random “I'm richer and generally better than you” braggadocio (and isn't that what rap music is all about?), but why would he wait until the very end to try and impress the audience?


THE LAST WORD: The DEFinition suffers from an acute awareness of what it's trying to be: a pop-rap album geared toward the kind of ladies that you would love to hook up with at the club (or the type of women that you may generally either want to be or want to talk shit about, if you happen to be female). LL Cool J tries to stack the deck by working alongside Timbaland for a good portion of the proceedings, but that partnership, intended to guarantee radio airplay, only results in two decent tracks, and the rest of The DEFinition is far more boring by comparison. This never comes across as a cohesive album: the eleven songs featured here don't mesh together as much as they are unnaturally forced, like mating your dog with your cat. As such, LL's collection of singles fails because it lacks the extra effort needed to grab the attention of the audience: James Todd Smith is simply coasting on his looks and the automatic goodwill he generates due to his status as a legitimate hip hop icon. This wasn't as awful as Todd Smith, but there's still no reason for you two to go out of your way to listen to a song like “Headsprung”.


-Max


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