Max Continues to Avoid Album Reviews by Commenting On Selections From Billboard's Hot 100 Chart (Week Ending September 23, 2017)

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Max Comments On Selections From Billboard's Hot 100 Chart (Week Ending May 21, 2011)

It may surprise you two to discover that I've received more than a few requests to bring back this infrequent series, in which I toss hip hop aside in favor of looking at Billboard's pop charts, which, conveniently enough, hold a ton of rap songs anyway, thus making my brief conversion even easier. I figured that now is a good time to revisit the chart, as enough time has passed since the last installment for all of the songs to change (because God forbid anybody like a song that is more than two months old on this side of the pond). If you just flat-out cannot understand why something that calls itself a hip hop blog would run an article such as this, then I invite you to click away from the site and get back to your Amazon wishlists and your deviant porn, and we'll see you in a couple of days.

I'm an outspoken advocate of listening to all types of music and not just limiting yourself to a specific genre, but even I have a huge problem with the Billboard Top 100, which attempts to be a thoroughly accurate listing of the most popular songs in the United States. (By the time this post runs, Billboard will have moved on to an updated listing, so this information is already a week old, but most of the songs will be the same, as will most of these thoughts, I'm sure.) The criteria used to calculate these measurements are ever-changing and consistently questionable (Billboard says that they look at sales figures, number of downloads, how many radio spins each track receives, and the list goes on), which makes it impossible for me to believe that there is any person out there that actually listens to every single genre presented on a regular basis: in theory, if this is supposed to be a representation of how pop radio sounds today, then pop radio should be playing a hell of a lot more country music, which they most certainly do not. Also, by the standards provided, Glee should be the most popular television program in the country (it isn't), Jennifer Lopez has apparently completed the final phase in the most impressive comeback in history (she hasn't), Chris Brown has finally convinced everybody in the universe that he didn't actually beat up (and bite) his then-girlfriend Rihanna like the cowardly little bitch he truly is (he hasn't, as his recent appearance-slash-mental breakdown on Good Morning America has proven), and Lil' Wayne should be referred to as the best rapper alive (if his sheer number of appearances on this chart are any indicator). Alas, none of this shit is even remotely true, so why does Billboard even bother trying to assign popularity points to different songs?

Oh yeah, because if they didn't, then you wouldn't know what it is you're supposed to like right now.

95. “ROPE” - FOO FIGHTERS

The last time I wrote one of these posts, the Foo Fighters had an entry that could have doubled as the theme music to a deodorant commercial. “Rope” finds Dave Grohl and company back in fine form: apparently, recording their new album in Grohl's basement, right next to his dusty boxes filled with discarded Beanie Babies and vintage Playboys, was a good idea. This isn't “Everlong”-great (hell, it isn't even “My Hero”-good or “Learn To Fly”-decent), but it's still rather enjoyable, and it's engaging in a way that songs such as “Wheels” and “Best Of You” can never even pretend to live up to.

93. “GROVE ST. PARTY” - WAKA FLOCKA FLAME FEAT. KEBO GOTTI

This is usually the song that plays on the Sirius XM hip hop channel before I switch to Alt Nation and hear the track listed at number eighty-eight. This Waka Flocka motherfucker has become popular by completely eschewing rap music standards (such as catchy music and actual lyrics), although I doubt the cocksucker is smart enough to use the word “eschewing”. Mr. Flame has actually said in interviews that he doesn't care about lyrics: um, great career choice, asshole. Nice work being a part of the problem. And yet, people actually encourage this type of behavior. No fucking wonder people still believe that hip hop is dead. Fuck this guy.

88. “PUMPED UP KICKS” - FOSTER THE PEOPLE

Calm and entertaining. Some music critics seem to believe that “Pumped Up Kicks” could be this year's response to MGMT's “Kids”, which it sounds abso-fucking-lutely nothing like. But that shouldn't stop you from giving this a spin.

84. “HUSTLE HARD” - ACE HOOD

I rightfully ragged on Ace Hood a few times on some other blog posts: the guy isn't memorable in the least bit, and he has a ton more work to do if he wants to survive not being eaten alive in a music industry that shits out replacement artists with each subsequent bowel movement. But goddammit, it's so much fun to sing along to the brainless chorus on here. Too bad the rest of this shit doesn't live up to that faux-golden standard.

65. “RUN THE WORLD (GIRLS)” - BEYONCE

Mrs. Shawn Carter is obviously bored with pop music: with some of the choices she's made in the past few years, it would appear that she's taking her cues from a hooded figure that is an amalgamation of Kanye West and her Magic 8-Ball. This ode to girl power will probably be huge in the summer, especially since the video just dropped yesterday, but in no way will it ever compare to the clip from the song that is sampled on here, Major Lazer's “Pon De Floor”. Have you guys seen that shit? Girl power? More like “power of the pussy”. Which can mean the same thing when presented in the proper context.

50. “RACKS” - YC FEAT. FUTURE

Nope, I refuse to believe that a song called “Racks” actually cracked the top fifty on this week's chart. Impossible. Why would any rapper write a song about the back-room inventory at The Container Store?

49. “WHAT THE HELL” - AVRIL LAVIGNE

Thanks, phony Canadian “punk” Avril Lavigne! Your poor choice in song title saved me a lot of virtual ink.

48. “SUPER BASS” - NICKI MINAJ

Although it isn't unheard of, it's still pretty strange to see a track from the deluxe edition of Pink Friday, one that was not made available to all retail outlets, charting on the Billboard Hot 100. What's unsurprising is how truly fucking horrible it sounds today. Which you saw coming, I know. I just think that a song entitled “Super Bass” should either (a) contain an incredibly obnoxious amount of bass, or (b) be a storytelling rap about how Nicki Minaj caught the biggest goddamn fish you ever did see.

46. “6 FOOT 7 FOOT” - LIL' WAYNE FEAT. CORY GUNZ

Aside from giving me a break from listening to an album straight-through, these Billboard posts also provide an opportunity for HHID's two readers to read my thoughts on songs and artists that I wouldn't give two fucks about otherwise, such as Lil' Weezy and his “A Milli”-esque return to the spotlight after waiting out his prison sentence. The Bangladesh beat (which, just like what happened with his instrumental for “A Milli”, I understand he hasn't yet been paid for – dude, you have nobody to blame but yourself) is fucking ridiculous, and that is not a compliment: sampling Harry Belafonte's “Banana Boat Song” should never ever ever come up as a viable option. And Cory Gunz, the son of Peter Gunz (who used to jack Steely Dan song samples alongside his old rhyme partner Lord Tariq), fails to bring much to the table aside from a flashy, substance-light verse, thereby helping me understand why his career has been a non-starter since day one. (Somehow his line, “I visit urinals abroad”, is supposed to indicate that he's a world traveler, but that's not the interpretation I got from it.) However, and here's the funny thing, I didn't hate Wayne on here. It's obvious that he's trying to be clever with his lyrics, and although he only really succeeds about twenty percent of the time, his effort with his pen and his pad is appreciated, as he proves that (a) even the shittiest rappers in the industry believe that the lyrics actually matter, and (b) maybe Lil' Wayne shouldn't be grouped with the “shittiest” rappers in the industry. I've officially upgraded him to the “crappiest” designation. (I'm pretty hard to win over.)

39. “TONIGHT (I'M LOVIN' YOU)” - ENRIQUE IGLESIAS FEAT. LUDACRIS & DJ FRANK E

Of course, I prefer the original version, in which Enrique Iglesias looks irrelevancy straight into its eyes and decided, “Screw it, I'm singing a song about fucking where I actually use the word 'fucking'”, instantly turning him into the novelty Vegas act he's always wanted to be, apparently. Can't say the chorus isn't catchy, though.

32. “FAST LANE” - BAD MEETS EVIL

Easily the most surprising entry I found on this specific week's Billboard chart. I wonder if Royce da 5'9” is happy that he may have finally broken through to the mainstream by riding on the back of a Marshall Mathers who is well past his prime. Still, I'll be checking for their EP, and you know you will be, too. Makes me want to listen to “Scary Movies” again, though.

26. “BACKSEAT” - NEW BOYZ FEAT. THE CATARACTS & DEV

The New Boyz are a rap duo who are better known for wearing skinny jeans than they are for any actual rhymes, so they're entirely useless to both me and our chosen genre in general. But the reason I chose this track to write about is because of guest singer Dev, who oddly fascinates me, although not in the actual video for “Backseat”. This chick, who seems to be joined at the respective hips to production duo The Cataracts (no, that's not what I meant: fuck, you two have some dirty minds), scored a number one hit song late last year when Asian “rap” group Far East Movement sampled her lyrics from her“Booty Bounce” for their “Like A G6” (I'm sure you've heard it at some point), which the artists claimed was an ode to an airplane that didn't yet exist, but since Dev actually wrote the lyrics first, it's clear to me that those guys had no fucking clue what they were talking about (hence their almost instantaneous disappearance from the game). She alternately looks like Kristen Wiig (in the video for “Booty Bounce”) and a much more attractive Paris Hilton (in the clip for the Cataracts-produced “Bass Down Low”, which is actually a catchy-ass club song, even though she rips off The Notorious B.I.G. for a bar), which are two extremes that shouldn't work, but whatever. She's marketing herself as a grittier version of Ke$ha, which is a terrible way to do anything, but if she sticks with the club audience, she could do fairly well for herself. Much better than these New Boyz jackasses, anyway.

24. “PARTY ROCK ANTHEM” - LMFAO FEAT. LAUREN BENNETT & GOONROCK

LMFAO's Lil' Jon-produced “Shots” remains a sentimental favorite, mainly because I like drinking in groups. But that shit was catchy because of Jon's insistence during the hook, not because of either one of the LMFAO assholes, who look like douchebag frat boys who took up rapping as a joke while folding shirts at American Eagle. Lil' Jon has fuck-all to do with this song: as a result, it sounds like a wack-ass club song that is interchangeable with nearly everything else out there. Meh.

21. “I NEED A DOCTOR” - DR. DRE FEAT. EMINEM & SKYLAR GREY

I'm choosing to reserve judgment on “I Need A Doctor” for whenever the fuck Detox actually comes out, as I want to hear what this song sounds like within the context of however the project sounds in the good Doctor's head. I will say this, though: why would Dre visit Eazy-E's grave in the video instead of his own son's? I would think that tugging at the audience's heartstrings by celebrating his familial bond would have much more of an impact than attempting to remind people of the feud between Dr. Dre and Ruthless Records (or of the battle between Dre and former labelmate 2Pac, which you can't help but think about when director Allen Hughes (of Menace II Society fame) slides footage from “California Love” into the overlong video). Maybe that's just me. I'd like to read your thoughts on “I Need A Doctor”, though.

20. “ALL OF THE LIGHTS” - KANYE WEST FEAT. EVERYBODY & YOUR GRANDMOTHER

Regardless of its seemingly high placement on this chart, Kanye's “All Of The Lights” isn't really that well-liked. To be honest, I'm kind of surprised that this song isn't more popular, since every critic (myself included) believed that it would be the breakout track from My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy. Oh well, what do critics know, right? Perhaps the mainstream audience didn't buy into the marching band-esque beat that sounded custom-built to be played during football and basketball telecasts. Maybe the overlong guest list scared everyone away (because a lot of rap fans are tired of Drake and are afraid of Elton John for some fucking reason). My theory is that “All Of The Lights” (which is supposed to have had its star-studded remix, featuring Jay-Z and a new 'Ye verse, hit the Interweb already: where the fuck is it, man?) failed to generate a ton of crossover buzz because the Hype Williams-directed, opening-credit-sequence-to-Enter The Void-aping video is really fucking shitty. Like all straight men, I appreciate Rihanna sideboob any day of the week, and Gaspar Noe's Enter The Void was a visually stunning (and polarizing) flick, but that clip has absolutely nothing to do with the song's bombastic feel, as watching Kanye rap while standing on a cop car lip-syncing to his own nonsensical lyrics doesn't elicit any sort of cathartic release. Oh well.

18. “BORN THIS WAY” - LADY GAGA

“Born This Way”, “Judas” (which resides at number nineteen on this particular chart), and “The Edge Of Glory” (whose title just screams "Montage!") all sound as though Stefanie is trying way too hard to be the next Madonna instead of just simply writing good pop songs like she has in the past. Yeah, I just said that Lady Gaga has written some good pop songs in the past. What of it? I think the pressure has finally gotten to her, and she's lost her goddamn mind: I halfway expect to see her suddenly start dressing like a normal human being and getting a day job in the Human Resources department of one of those big chain stores that anchor those large retail shopping centers that pop up along the highway.

15.  "WRITTEN IN THE STARS" - TINIE TEMPAH FEAT. ERIC TURNER

This sounds like yet another beat that Lupe Fiasco turned down (see: "Airplanes", "Nothin' On You"), thanks to the mammoth disconnect between British rapper Tinie Tempah's verses and singer Eric Turner's generic chorus.  Prove me wrong.

11. “BLOW” - KE$HA

The “artist” previously known as Kesha Sebert tends to sounds like a coked-out computer being raped by a bear wearing a minotaur costume, but, sadly, for the love of butter, I actually don't hate this track. It's entirely stupid, and without the aid of its goofy video, it sounds fairly empty and more soulless than usual, but it's clear to me that this chick, who must have inhaled a lot of glitter in her lifetime, is in on the joke and is determined to ride this wave until the general public stops giving a fuck about her. (Which should have happened three singles ago, but whatever.) Besides, this song will almost certainly get your girl and all of her friends to the dance floor, which makes it pretty hard for me to outright dislike, although I tried so goddamn hard to. Not the greatest pop song around or anything, and it definitely won't stand up to the test of time, but I'd rather listen to “Blow” on a loop than hear most of the tracks on this chart just the once.

10. “LOOK AT ME NOW” - CHRIS BROWN FEAT. BUSTA RHYMES & LIL' WAYNE

Regardless of how interesting the Diplo and Afrojack co-production sounds, I'm still of the opinion that every artist that chooses to work alongside Chris Brown is a woman-hating asshat. Apparently, I'm also including motherfucking Justin Bieber on that list, as he loves this song so much that he performed Busta's verse nearly verbatim while live on stage with the host recently. I am impressed at how a fifty-year old Trevor Smith can still manage to rhyme so goddamn fast, but not enough to learn his breath control secrets or carry his bag of Werther's Originals or anything.

9. “S&M” - RIHANNA

It isn't lost on me that Rihanna has ranked above Chris Brown on this week's list. Unfortunately, Chris Brown's song has generated much more buzz, thanks to the short attention span of America's collective youngsters, who have forgotten that they're supposed to hate him. Ike Turner would have never received this much love from an adoring public: everybody wanted to fuck his shit up because of his mistreatment of Tina Turner. To this end, Rihanna, of course, has recorded a song on which she admits that she loves whips, chains, and being beaten during sex, which she also loves the smell of. Somewhere, Chris Breezy is salivating.

6.  "TILL THE WORLD ENDS" - BRITNEY SPEARS

At one point, the former Mouseketeer (man, that seems like a long-ass time ago, right?) claims that this version of "Till The World Ends" is "sicker than the remix".  But at that point, the remix (featuring her tour mate Nicki Minaj and the song's author Ke$ha) hadn't even yet been commissioned.  Fuck Tyler: Britney Spears is the true walking paradox.

5. “THE LAZY SONG” - BRUNO MARS

Kids, if someone offers to sell you weed laced with the tears of a dead clown, you probably shouldn't watch this clip after taking a hit, as the guys in the ape masks will cause you to freak the fuck out.

4. “JUST CAN'T GET ENOUGH” - THE BLACK EYED PEAS

I'd love to say that the Black Eyed Sellouts became, well, sellouts so gradually that I didn't even notice until it was too late, but that's a goddamn lie: they've always sucked. Even without the girl. Yeah, I said it. For their latest foray into the pop charts, will.i.am, Fergie, and the other two interchangeable guys steal the title from one of Depeche Mode's biggest pop hits, thereby automatically earning an unfavorable comparison to that song in every single critique written about this song. This shit is so weak that it makes me wish that Dave Gahan and Martin Gore would tie up all four of these and trap them in a car that is speeding down the street in reverse, just like in their video for “Wrong”. I realize that I left Andy Fletcher out of that previous sentence, but I don't need everyone in Depeche Mode to go to jail for vehicular manslaughter: someone has to carry on the name.

3. “ON THE FLOOR” - JENNIFER LOPEZ FEAT. PITBULL

I know, I find it strange that I'm not writing this sentence about the Black Eyed Sellouts song, but here goes: “On The Floor” is easily the most retarded song on the Billboard Hot 100 right now. The Back-Up Plan's Jennifer Lopez sounds like fucking Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man, with her near-constant use of the titular phrase in lieu of any actual lyrics or, at the very least, commands to dance. All she seems to be doing is describing the location where all of the action just so happens to be occurring: where are all of the women? On the floor! Where did my brain matter land after I put that gun to my head? On the floor! I hate the fact that I live in a country where bullshittery like this is allowed to be classified as music. America, what the fuck is wrong with you?

2. “E.T. (REMIX)” - KATY PERRY FEAT. KANYE WEST

Everything that I hate about Kanye West's repulsive sex rhymes comes to a head on Katy Perry's remix to her own “E.T.”: why, the man even utters the phrase, “What's next? Alien sex!”. I promise, 'Ye, I will purchase ten copies of your next album (whether it's the long-promised Watch The Throne or whatever his next solo project is supposed to be) if you promise to leave the intercourse rhymes to the professionals. This beat is much different than anything you would expect Mrs. Russell Brand to sing over: hilariously enough, it was apparently crafted for use by Three 6 Mafia before Katy decided she liked it. (I'm not joking.) This is pop music at its strangest, but at least it's much better than “California Gurls” (the song is, anyway: nothing can beat the whipped cream shooting out of her tits in her Snoop Dogg-assisted video).

-Max

RELATED POSTS:

Here's one of my earlier attempts at wrapping my head around the tastes of the mainstream.

Max Comments On Selections From Billboard's Hot 100 Chart (Week Ending October 31, 2009)

That picture has nothing to do with Billboard or billboards, but it makes sense to me.

Over the past few months, I received more than one request to bring back my commentary on the Billboard charts, which showcase what songs are hot at the moment. (Okay, so I received one such request.) I realize that reviewing such a list is fleeting at best, since all Billboard truly measures is the idea of temporary popularity, which is why most songs drop off of the chart after about roughly two months, and anything that particular periodical writes about tends to be entirely irrelevant in about half that time, but in case you haven't noticed, Hip Hop Isn't Dead tends to traffic in lists, and besides, I figured this would at least be slightly entertaining.

Actually reviewing all one hundred songs on the chart would take up too much of my valuable time, and I haven't actually heard of most of these tracks regardless, since I try not to listen to the radio very often, but depending on the response to this post, I may consider sitting down to discuss it in its entirety in the future.

Anyway.

94. "MONEY TO BLOW" - BIRDMAN FEAT. LIL' WAYNE & DRAKE
This was originally a Drake song, but apparently Baby (which is one of the wackest rap names ever - it makes 'Birdman' sound damn near civilized) felt that he could only add positive ideas to the overall concept of the song, which is about, from what I understand, having money to blow. (I wasn't aware that Degrassi: The Next Generation paid that well, Aubrey.) As weird as this sounds coming from me, all three men have released better songs. (I'm almost embarrassed to write this, but I don't hate "Always Strapped", by Birdman and Wayne. It's okay, you can make fun of me in the comments if you want: there's something about that beat that makes driving pretty fucking dramatic.)

91. "I WANT TO KNOW WHAT LOVE IS" - MARIAH CAREY
It's not her first cover, but it's strange that Mrs. Nick Cannon has fallen this far. Oh wait, no it isn't: I just referred to her as Mrs. Nick Cannon. Without even really trying, Marshall Mathers has won this battle. There is no need for this song to exist when Foreigner is still touring as a band.

90. "WHEELS" - FOO FIGHTERS
It's hard for me to believe that these are the same guys who brought us the masterful "Everlong". This actually sounds like Dave Grohl wrote this shit for Nickelback and decided at the last minute to keep the shit to himself. Kurt Cobain must be spinning in his grave.

89. "YOU'RE A JERK" - NEW BOYZ
Well, fuck you, too.

88. "KINGS AND QUEENS" - 30 SECONDS TO MARS
Every time I see Jared Leto performing, my mind hearkens back to Jordan Catalano on My So-Called Life (which I still believe is one of the most overrated shows in the history of television). He couldn't even fucking read! Even James Franco's character from Freaks and Geeks (a far superior show) wasn't this fucking stupid. And Angela Chase apparently equated illiteracy with depth, when we all know that, even if they did end up together, there would be no way in the real world (beyond high school, if he ever graduated) that he would ever be able to support her financially. But I digress: I like one of this band's songs. Just not this one.

75. "NUMBER ONE" - R. KELLY FEAT. KERI HILSON
"Number One"? Really? Now Kells is just making fun of that underage chick that he pissed on in that video. Which is in incredibly poor taste, but that's still not as bad as the fact that he pissed on an underage chick, caught it on video, and still wasn't found guilty. What the fuck, America?

74. "I'M GOING IN" - DRAKE FEAT. LIL' WAYNE & YOUNG JEEZY
I believe this appears on the EP release for So Far Gone and not the free mixtape that Aubrey unleashed a year of two ago. Weezy's borderline crying on the hook, which consists of, literally, "I'm going in! / And I'mma go hard!". No wonder pop culture constantly questions the sexuality of every single rapper in existence. The beat is okay, though.

69. "LOL :-)" - TREY SONGZ FEAT. GUCCI MANE & SOULJA BOY TELL'EM
One of the most retarded R&B songs I have ever had the displeasure of listening to. And I seem to have missed the memo that named Gucci Mane as the most popular rapper of 2009. When the fuck did that shit happen? Has anybody ever actually listened to a Gucci Mane song? Shit like this makes me want to give up on music. I realize that this is just a 2009 update to the concept of a song about a booty call, but that doesn't mean it insults the audience any less.

62. "BODY LANGUAGE" - JESSE MCCARTNEY FEAT. T-PAIN
Proof positive that Thelonius Pain has seeped into the public consciousness. Well, it's this,"I'm On A Boat", and his iPhone app.

59. "HEY, SOUL SISTER" - TRAIN
Train is still recording music? Hey, good for them.

58. "SMILE" - UNCLE KRACKER
Uncle Kracker is still recording music? Hey, what the hell? How the fuck does this guy still have fans? What the fuck, America?

54. "I'M ALIVE" - KENNY CHESNEY FEAT. DAVE MATTHEWS
I can think of one very important reason why I will never want to listen to this song, even if I was a fan of the former Mr. Renee Zellweger.

52. "ONE LESS LONELY GIRL" - JUSTIN BIEBER
I caught the video for this on MTV earlier this week (you see, if you're up much earlier than you should be, you're rewarded with actual music videos on what is supposed to be Music Television), and I thought this guy was the kid who plays Shane Botwin on Weeds. True fact. Still not convinced that I'm wrong.

45. "I KNOW YOU WANT ME (CALLE OCHO)" - PITBULL
I will say that I can only appreciate how Pitbull creates music that is only designed to get the girls on the dance floor. All of his beats seem to have been ripped off from older European rave anthems, but I give him a pass, as his songs don't generally suck.

36. "SUCCESSFUL" - DRAKE FEAT. TREY SONGZ & LIL' WAYNE
It would appear that Drake is physically incapable of appearing on a song if his Young Money boss, Lil' Weezy, isn't by his side. Considering the fact that his "Best I Ever Had" is also on this list (I just chose to gloss over it, as I am kind of sick of that shit), I realize this isn't true, but young Aubrey really needs to find a better collaborator. I do like this song, though: the beat is atypically haunting for what you would believe to be a motivational tool, and the fact that it totally isn't one makes it even better. Trey Songz almost redeems himself in my eyes with his hook, but then he jumps back down the shitter with his version of the song, on which he performs his own verse that sets popular music back at least one thousand years. The way Drake pronounces the word "progress" also makes me giggle for no good reason.

32. "SHE WOLF" - SHAKIRA
I like Shakira (for the obvious reasons...what, some of her songs, especially the Spanish ones, are really good: what did you think I was talking about?), but this song is fucking ridiculous. The video is even goofier: her "dancing" (the quotation marks are intentional) is half sexy and half interpretative, and neither style works for her. And yet, strangely, just like most of the woman's catalog, even this track sounds better in her native language. Funny, that.

29. "HOTEL ROOM SERVICE" - PITBULL
Has anybody ever paid attention to how graphic Pitbull's lyrics get on this radio-friendly trifle? And yet, he gets the key to the city of Miami. You know, Trina hasn't ever received any kind of award from her home state. Neither has Luther Campbell.

27. "I CAN TRANSFORM YA" - CHRIS BROWN FEAT. LIL' WAYNE & SWIZZ BEATS
Since this is a brand new song, I feel it's pretty obvious that Wayne and Swizzy both hate Rihanna and have placed their trust in Chris Brown's woman-beating hands. And yet, Shawn Carter will continue to work with both of the guests. Hey, musicians continued to work with Ike Turner, too.

20. "ALREADY GONE" - KELLY CLARKSON
This is the song that Kelly Clarkson didn't want her label to release, since it sounds just like Beyonce's "Halo". And you know what? She was exactly fucking right.

18. "BREAK UP" - MARIO FEAT. GUCCI MANE & SEAN GARRETT
So this is what passes for R&B these days? Ripping off Lil' Wayne's "A Milli" staccato and throwing rap's apparent go-to guy, Gucci Mane, on it for a half-assed verse? I realize I sound like an old, embittered man by writing this, but how is this music? (And yes, I realize that argument could be levied at most of the stuff that I actually review.)

16. "OBSESSED" - MARIAH CAREY FEAT. GUCCI MANE
I posed this question on Twitter, but I'll repeat it for the folks at home: why the fuck is Mariah singing through Auto-Tune on here? She has an actual good singing voice. That fact hasn't actually mattered ever since she divorced Tommy Motolla, though, "We Belong Together" notwithstanding. And after seeing the video, Eminem must be rolling in his grave.

15. "FOREVER" - DRAKE FEAT. KANYE WEST, LIL' WAYNE, & EMINEM
Other than the expected Lil' Wayne cameo (which only furthers my argument - seriously, Drake should maybe leave his house and meet some new people), this is easily the most bizarre posse cut of 2009. And while the most exciting aspect of this track is seeing Slaughterhouse posted up behind Marshall while he performs his verse in the video clip (while I believe signing the machine to Interscope (only a rumor at this stage) would be a mistake, how fucking cool would it be to hear Royce and Em rhyming together again?), this is actually not bad. Oddly, the weak link on here is Mr. West, but even he sounds pretty good.

13. "USE SOMEBODY" - KINDS OF LEON
This song is played entirely too often on the radio. Which is good for Kings of Leon (it helps them make tons of money in royalties), but bad for the rest of the general population.

12. "EMPIRE STATE OF MIND" - JAY-Z FEAT. ALICIA KEYS
I officially withdraw the statement I made during my Gut Reaction post on The Blueprint 3: Alicia Keys does, in fact, make this song. I had changed my mind after hearing her sing her ass of at the MTV Video Music Awards, while Hova sounded hoarse and Lil' Mama was debating just when, exactly, she should interrupt the performance, Kanye-style.

11. "SWEET DREAMS" - BEYONCE
This sounds like the aural equivalent of a Jackson Pollack painting. A technique which doesn't translate well in the world of music, mind you. In other words, this is a motherfucking mess. It's funny how all of Bey's solo songs (save for "Halo", which is now stuck in my head, making me realize that it isn't all bad) have gone downhill in quality ever since Dangerously In Love dropped. Some call it "artistic growth": I see it as a singer who has no concept of what actually sounds good anymore.

10. "YOU BELONG WITH ME" - TAYLOR SWIFT
As far as I'm concerned, Kanye West did young Taylor a favor: thanks to his drunken antics, she became the first artist to ever receive a second chance to deliver an acceptance speech at the MTV Video Music Awards, and her song now receives even more spins on the radio than it did before. And it was played a fucking lot. I found it hilarious that the media tried to take 'Ye to task for his actions, but the hip hop world had little to no comment: that was because nobody gave a fuck. This is just what Kanye West does. He's done it his entire career. It won't stop anybody from buying the man's next album.

8. "I GOTTA FEELING" - THE BLACK EYED PEAS
These jackasses hold both the number eight and nine slots on the chart ("Meet Me Halfway" is the other song, and even their insipid "Boom Boom Pow" occupies a space in the top fifty). I just hope that these assholes are saving all of the money they've earned for selling the fuck out, as their hip hop credibility falls by the wayside, since they're going to fall (it's almost predictable). I have some other shit to say about the Black Eyed Peas, but I'll save that for the day if/when I choose to write about their actual albums. So stay tuned.

7. "FIREFLIES" - OWL CITY
This is what The Postal Service would sound like if Ben Gibbard was more of a pussy.

6. "PAPARAZZI" - LADY GAGA
The video clip is all sorts of creepy (it's implied that Gaga murders someone by hanging them, and yet, this video gets regular airplay on VH-1), but damn if it isn't catchy. As far as pop music goes, you can do a lot worse than liking Lady Gaga. Like, for instance, if you were a fan of bullshit Owl City.

4. "RUN THIS TOWN" - JAY-Z FEAT. RIHANNA & KANYE WEST
Hova utters the phrase "Whassup?" at least eighteen times during this track; it seems that nobody took my "drinking game" comment from the original review for The Blueprint 3 seriously. And even with that new piece of information, thanks to endless radio play I've decided that I was wrong about this Jay-Z song, as well: Kanye does not murder his mentor on his own shit. Shawn's verses actually fit the beat better, albeit nonsensically. The video still sucks, though.

3. "PARTY IN THE U.S.A." - MILEY CYRUS
Sorry, Jay, but you just can't control the kind of folks who will listen to and relate to your music.

2. "WHATCHA SAY" - JASON DERULO
I wonder how many fans of this song moved on to its source material, Imogen Heap's "Hide and Seek". I'm betting not very many. I suppose fans of The O.C. probably aren't happy that they now have to share the track with the rest of the world, though. As for Jason, I hope his next hit single samples from The Shins, Iron & Wine, and whoever else appeared on the soundtrack to Garden State.

1. "DOWN" - JAY SEAN FEAT. LIL' WAYNE
Well, at least Drake doesn't appear on here.

See you in a few.

-Max

Diversionary Tactics: Pineapple Express & Max's Commentary On The Billboard Hot 100 Singles Chart (1-10 Only) (May 4, 2008)

First things first. My wife and I, along with my brother-in-law and his girlfriend, lucked in to a Sony-sponsored super-secret screening of the new Judd Apatow-produced flick Pineapple Express, starring Seth Rogen and James Franco. (What the fuck does this have to do with hip hop? Well, there's some rap on the soundtrack (for some fucked up reason a song by Shaquille O'Neal makes an appearance), and Rogen's a well-documented Wu-Tang fan, so there's my rationale in a nutshell.) The flick doesn't even come out until August, but we were able to be one of the first audiences ever to see the final product. And afterward, we were even treated to a Q&A with the stars and director of the film, and my wife even got to meet Seth, which made for one of the most bizarre moments in my life to date. I don't remember if my wife took this pic or if it was one of mine, but here's something:

(From left: James Franco, Seth Rogen, Danny McBride, and director David Gordon Green)

All I can say at this point is: you have to see this movie when it hits the screens. It's fucking hilarious, and, incredibly, violent as shit, kind of like some stoner Shane Black action flick. (By the way, all of you two readers that ran out to see Robert Downey Jr. in Iron Man this weekend need to get off of your collective ass and rent or buy Shane Black's Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, which is Robery Downey Jr. and Val Kilmer, who I usually don't like, at their funniest.) I'm not going to bother with any sort of plot synopsis, since those can be found anywhere online. I will say that Danny McBride (The Foot Fist Way) steals almost every scene he's in, and David Gordon Green has proven his talent can be translated for quote-unquote "mainstream" flicks (he's better known for directing dramas like George Washington and the more recent Snow Angels). And no, I'm not saying this because Sony wants me to or anything (if anything, Sony needs to fire all of their marketing department for fucking up the handling of the secret screening so horrendously; seriously, I'm surprised there wasn't some sort of uprising from the tons of people that didn't make it to the auditorium or to the Q&A, but, in true Max fashion, my wife and I got in, so I don't give a fuck about them!).

Anyway, since the last post of this type received such a positive response, I thought I would fuck the whole thing up by bumping my head and switching it on y'all.

10. WITH YOU - CHRIS BROWN
I don't like Chris Brown, but I do like this song. I found it so oddly sweet that I originally thought it was a Ne-Yo track, since Chris Brown usually sings hot garbage like "Kiss Kiss", but I'm allowed to be wrong every once in a while. Well, that filled my mistake quota for 2008.

9. FOREVER - CHRIS BROWN
I don't like Chris Brown, but I don't like this song.

8. LOVE SONG - SARA BAREILLES
Not completely horrible, but time will tell if we ever see a second single from this singer. It's usually not a good sign when the entertainment industry adopts your first and only single for multiple movie trailers at the same time.

7. TOUCH MY BODY - MARIAH CAREY
Does anybody remember when Mariah Carey's songs weren't so blatantly obvious in their sexuality? I'm talking "Dreamlover"/"Fantasy", or shit, even "We Belong Together". Oh, well. This song may be a hit now, but nobody will give a fuck about it in a few months, since it's the aural equivalent of cotton candy. Nick Cannon would be wise to start spending some of that Mariah money while he still can.

6. SEXY CAN I - RAY J & YUNG BERG
Ray J had a couple of okay songs a few years ago, both of them produced by the then-hot Neptunes ("Wait A Minute" and "Formal Invite"), but now he's really only known for the sex tape and for banging Whitney Houston (no, not on the sex tape; that would just be creepy, like fucking a crackhead zombie). Kim Kardashian may have a big ass for a white girl, but she's overexposed and annoying as shit, and I personally blame Ray J for thrusting (heh) her upon the world. This also marks the second time Yung Berg has been mentioned on my blog, and for that, I am sorry.


5. LOVE IN THIS CLUB - USHER (FEAT YOUNG JEEZY)
I really don't care that producer Polow Da Don swiped every single element of this instrumental from Apple's Garage Band program. A friend of mine met Usher in an airport and told me that he was a complete douchebag, so all of his output post-"You Make me Wanna" is questionable in my book. Also, the song is awfully boring for a supposed club banger.

4. 4 MINUTES - MADONNA (FEAT JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE & TIMBALAND)
Sure, it sounds exactly like Flo Rida's "Elevator", but I like this song more, even though it's completely vapid in its lyrical content, and Madonna sounds like she isn't even trying anymore. It will get your girl to dance, though, which is essentially what Timbo's good for these days, so it works for me. Also, Madonna's last album Confessions On A Dance Floor (not to be confused with Michael Jackson's Blood On The Dance Floor) actually isn't that bad. You hear that sound? That was my hip hop credibility being thrown under a bus.

3. NO AIR - JORDIN SPARKS DUET WITH CHRIS BROWN
I don't like Chris Brown, but I have no discernible opinion on this duet with Jordin Sparks (and apparently, that's how the song is really credited). I'm actually surprised at Jordin's success in the music industry, since she seems to be the American Idol winner that gets absolutely no press, neither good nor bad; you read more today about Idol losers like Clay Aiken and Katharine McPhee than about Jordin. Speaking of which, what happened to Katharine McPhee? She was pretty cute when she was on the show, but now...

2. LOLLIPOP - LIL' WAYNE (FEAT STATIC MAJOR)
Last time I checked this chart out, this motherfucker had the number one single in the country, and I had already planned on repeating my "You motherfuckers should be fucking ashamed of yourselves" line. Since it's still the number one rap single in the country, I suppose that comment still applies (in response to TC's comment on the original post, I agree with most of what you said, since the main point of any song being played in the club is to get chicks to dance, but I have actually heard "Lollipop" in the club, and I still thought it fucking sucked; it's so bad it sobered me up), but since it's not number one anymore, you guys don't have to feel as much guilt as before.

1. BURNING LOVE - LEONA LEWIS
I heard a club version of this song the same night I heard "Lollipop" at the club, and I will say this: it works better as a dance track than as the early-1990's throwback song that it actually is. I haven't decided if Leona Lewis is actually cute, though: in some photographs she looks alright, but in others, she looks more like a Terminator killing machine than Summer Glau.

BONUS: Here's the red-band trailer for Pineapple Express, featuring a pretty good utilization of M.I.A.'s "Paper Planes", even though the song doesn't actually appear in the film, sadly. (I will say that Huey Lewis does the movie's theme song, although my two readers may not understand why I find that fucking hilarious.)

-Max

(Love/hate this post? You should probably start leaving more comments, especially if you want these to continue at a faster pace.)

Diversionary Tactics: Max's Commentary On The Billboard Hot Rap Singles Charts (April 29, 2008)

10. ELEVATOR - FLO RIDA (FEAT TIMBALAND)
I wouldn't be surprised if we found out later that Madonna and Justin Timberlake's original take on "4 Minutes" was over this beat, since they both sound exactly the fucking same. That said, I actually kind of like the instrumental, and can even deal with Timbo's horrible rhyming, but if only the main attraction had been locked out of the studio that day, this would be a great song. Seriously, was Magoo not able to call in to Wendy's that evening?

9. SUPERSTAR - LUPE FIASCO (FEAT MATTHEW SANTOS)
Unless we find out later that Shawty Lo is really from Montreal, Lupe Fiasco has the honor of being the only guy on the chart that isn't from the goddamn south. I didn't care for this song when it first dropped, but the fact that the bullshit radio stations in my neck of the Earth are actually playing "Superstar" on a regular basis has led me to naturally lean toward this song more than everything else on the chart. Still, Lupe can do better.

8. UMMA DO ME - ROCKO
And the legacy of Def Jam lives on in the new millennium.

7. BUST IT BABY (PART 2) - PLIES (FEAT NE-YO)
That title sounds promising. The fact that this song exists in the first place is astounding, as you would think the subject matter would have been exhausted in Part One.

6. INDEPENDENT - WEBBIE (FEAT LIL' PHAT & LIL' BOOSIE)
Is this the rap song that independent women have been waiting for? Not so much. For a song that supposedly pays homage to the woman that doesn't need a man to get where she wants in life, this song is downright offensive, but then again, you should only expect so much from the guy whose other hit song, "Give Me That", glorifies rape. (Am I reading too much into these songs?) Also, the second rapper in the video has this weird Stevie Wonder-esque vibe, thanks to his giant fucking sunglasses. Dude, it's not even bright where you are: you're standing on a soundstage!

5. DEY KNOW - SHAWTY LO
The lyrics are typically terrible, but the beat is actually not awful, for what it is. That said, the remix is much better, because Ludacris actually knows how to put rhymes together, and I even found myself enjoying Young Jeezy's verse. Excuse me while I go hang myself.

4. LOW - FLO RIDA (FEAT T-PAIN)
Flo Rida has two songs in the Top Ten Ringtone Tracks...um, my fault, Top Ten Rap Tracks. This is the one that sucks more. Although I have to give kudos to the fact that T-Pain got away with talking about an entire club "smokin' that herb" on the radio.

3. SHE GOT IT - 2 PISTOLS (FEAT T-PAIN & TAY DIZM)
I'm going to be very surprised if this 2 Pistols guy somehow pulls a second hit out of his ass, especially in this current political climate.

2. THE BOSS - RICK ROSS (FEAT T-PAIN)
And the legacy of Def Jam lives on in the new millennium. I can't believe this guy sold more copies than fucking Snoop Dogg, although, to be fair, Snoop kind of sucks right now, "Sexual Eruption" notwithstanding.

1. LOLLIPOP - LIL' WAYNE (FEAT STATIC MAJOR)
You motherfuckers should be fucking ashamed of yourselves.

Leave some comments if you loved/hated this post. How else will I know which comments to ignore?

BONUS VIDEO: Enjoy this pleasant diversion while you wonder how long it will take me to post another blog.








-Max