Diversionary Tactics: Pineapple Express & Max's Commentary On The Billboard Hot 100 Singles Chart (1-10 Only) (May 4, 2008)

First things first. My wife and I, along with my brother-in-law and his girlfriend, lucked in to a Sony-sponsored super-secret screening of the new Judd Apatow-produced flick Pineapple Express, starring Seth Rogen and James Franco. (What the fuck does this have to do with hip hop? Well, there's some rap on the soundtrack (for some fucked up reason a song by Shaquille O'Neal makes an appearance), and Rogen's a well-documented Wu-Tang fan, so there's my rationale in a nutshell.) The flick doesn't even come out until August, but we were able to be one of the first audiences ever to see the final product. And afterward, we were even treated to a Q&A with the stars and director of the film, and my wife even got to meet Seth, which made for one of the most bizarre moments in my life to date. I don't remember if my wife took this pic or if it was one of mine, but here's something:

(From left: James Franco, Seth Rogen, Danny McBride, and director David Gordon Green)

All I can say at this point is: you have to see this movie when it hits the screens. It's fucking hilarious, and, incredibly, violent as shit, kind of like some stoner Shane Black action flick. (By the way, all of you two readers that ran out to see Robert Downey Jr. in Iron Man this weekend need to get off of your collective ass and rent or buy Shane Black's Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, which is Robery Downey Jr. and Val Kilmer, who I usually don't like, at their funniest.) I'm not going to bother with any sort of plot synopsis, since those can be found anywhere online. I will say that Danny McBride (The Foot Fist Way) steals almost every scene he's in, and David Gordon Green has proven his talent can be translated for quote-unquote "mainstream" flicks (he's better known for directing dramas like George Washington and the more recent Snow Angels). And no, I'm not saying this because Sony wants me to or anything (if anything, Sony needs to fire all of their marketing department for fucking up the handling of the secret screening so horrendously; seriously, I'm surprised there wasn't some sort of uprising from the tons of people that didn't make it to the auditorium or to the Q&A, but, in true Max fashion, my wife and I got in, so I don't give a fuck about them!).

Anyway, since the last post of this type received such a positive response, I thought I would fuck the whole thing up by bumping my head and switching it on y'all.

10. WITH YOU - CHRIS BROWN
I don't like Chris Brown, but I do like this song. I found it so oddly sweet that I originally thought it was a Ne-Yo track, since Chris Brown usually sings hot garbage like "Kiss Kiss", but I'm allowed to be wrong every once in a while. Well, that filled my mistake quota for 2008.

9. FOREVER - CHRIS BROWN
I don't like Chris Brown, but I don't like this song.

8. LOVE SONG - SARA BAREILLES
Not completely horrible, but time will tell if we ever see a second single from this singer. It's usually not a good sign when the entertainment industry adopts your first and only single for multiple movie trailers at the same time.

7. TOUCH MY BODY - MARIAH CAREY
Does anybody remember when Mariah Carey's songs weren't so blatantly obvious in their sexuality? I'm talking "Dreamlover"/"Fantasy", or shit, even "We Belong Together". Oh, well. This song may be a hit now, but nobody will give a fuck about it in a few months, since it's the aural equivalent of cotton candy. Nick Cannon would be wise to start spending some of that Mariah money while he still can.

6. SEXY CAN I - RAY J & YUNG BERG
Ray J had a couple of okay songs a few years ago, both of them produced by the then-hot Neptunes ("Wait A Minute" and "Formal Invite"), but now he's really only known for the sex tape and for banging Whitney Houston (no, not on the sex tape; that would just be creepy, like fucking a crackhead zombie). Kim Kardashian may have a big ass for a white girl, but she's overexposed and annoying as shit, and I personally blame Ray J for thrusting (heh) her upon the world. This also marks the second time Yung Berg has been mentioned on my blog, and for that, I am sorry.


5. LOVE IN THIS CLUB - USHER (FEAT YOUNG JEEZY)
I really don't care that producer Polow Da Don swiped every single element of this instrumental from Apple's Garage Band program. A friend of mine met Usher in an airport and told me that he was a complete douchebag, so all of his output post-"You Make me Wanna" is questionable in my book. Also, the song is awfully boring for a supposed club banger.

4. 4 MINUTES - MADONNA (FEAT JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE & TIMBALAND)
Sure, it sounds exactly like Flo Rida's "Elevator", but I like this song more, even though it's completely vapid in its lyrical content, and Madonna sounds like she isn't even trying anymore. It will get your girl to dance, though, which is essentially what Timbo's good for these days, so it works for me. Also, Madonna's last album Confessions On A Dance Floor (not to be confused with Michael Jackson's Blood On The Dance Floor) actually isn't that bad. You hear that sound? That was my hip hop credibility being thrown under a bus.

3. NO AIR - JORDIN SPARKS DUET WITH CHRIS BROWN
I don't like Chris Brown, but I have no discernible opinion on this duet with Jordin Sparks (and apparently, that's how the song is really credited). I'm actually surprised at Jordin's success in the music industry, since she seems to be the American Idol winner that gets absolutely no press, neither good nor bad; you read more today about Idol losers like Clay Aiken and Katharine McPhee than about Jordin. Speaking of which, what happened to Katharine McPhee? She was pretty cute when she was on the show, but now...

2. LOLLIPOP - LIL' WAYNE (FEAT STATIC MAJOR)
Last time I checked this chart out, this motherfucker had the number one single in the country, and I had already planned on repeating my "You motherfuckers should be fucking ashamed of yourselves" line. Since it's still the number one rap single in the country, I suppose that comment still applies (in response to TC's comment on the original post, I agree with most of what you said, since the main point of any song being played in the club is to get chicks to dance, but I have actually heard "Lollipop" in the club, and I still thought it fucking sucked; it's so bad it sobered me up), but since it's not number one anymore, you guys don't have to feel as much guilt as before.

1. BURNING LOVE - LEONA LEWIS
I heard a club version of this song the same night I heard "Lollipop" at the club, and I will say this: it works better as a dance track than as the early-1990's throwback song that it actually is. I haven't decided if Leona Lewis is actually cute, though: in some photographs she looks alright, but in others, she looks more like a Terminator killing machine than Summer Glau.

BONUS: Here's the red-band trailer for Pineapple Express, featuring a pretty good utilization of M.I.A.'s "Paper Planes", even though the song doesn't actually appear in the film, sadly. (I will say that Huey Lewis does the movie's theme song, although my two readers may not understand why I find that fucking hilarious.)

-Max

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