Beastie Boys - Licensed To Ill (November 15, 1986)

I'm entirely aware that the album that I'm about to write about already has millions of fans, so it doesn't really need my help. I'm also aware that the majority of the two readers of this blog probably don't fall into that category. They probably think that this space would be better filled with more write-ups about Wu-Tang z-teamers or, heaven forbid, some actual hip hop. 

Well, that's just what this is. Seriously. However, it didn't start out that way. 

The Beastie Boys, originally made up of Adam Yauch (MCA), Mike Diamond (Mike D), Adam Horowitz (Ad-Rock), and Kate Schellenbach (who went on to join Luscious Jackson after essentially being forced out - more on that later), were a New York underground punk outfit that got by performing as opening acts for such infinitely better bands like Bad Brains and The Misfits, but earned a following of their own anyway. They released two EPs, Pollywog Stew and Cooky Puss; the title track of the latter is considered to be their first recorded actual rap song, and true to the band's identity at the time, it's based around a prank call that one of the members made to a Carvel ice cream shop. The rap style of the early Beastie Boys can be best visualized if you picture three of the whitest guys at your last frat party, the ones that aren't afraid to do some of the most ridiculous shit to get laughs, including pretending to "rap", as the kids call it, but inevitably hang out in the corner by themselves. Somehow, superproducer Rick Rubin figured that this would sell records, and off of the strength of "Cooky Puss", they were signed to the then-fledgling Def Jam Records, which at the time was run out of a dorm room (oddly, Rick Rubin and the other Def Jam co-founder, Russell Simmons, were apparently introduced to each other by the pretentious ass Vincent Gallo, of the "I made a movie just so I could record a blow job from my ex-girlfriend Chloe Sevigny" Gallos.) 

Shortly after tripping over someone's chemistry textbook, the Beastie Boys lost the lone female in the group, who cited creative differences with Rick Rubin, who apparently didn't get the joke that a punk rock group called the "Beastie Boys" could also include a female within their ranks. (Her group, Luscious Jackson, later found themselves signed to the Beastie's own label, Grand Royal; glad to see they look out for their own.) Rubin felt that the inclusion of a woman would kill the joke altogether, that the Beasties were a trio of hard-partying jackasses who chased women when they weren't too drunk to sit properly. The Beasties found themselves on the manufacturing end of the second Def Jam record ever released, an EP titled Rock Hard, which is notable for two reasons: it is the first Def Jam single to actually feature what would later become their logo on its sleeve, and its title track was assassinated in the sample wars by AC/DC, whose "Back In Black" was utilized illegally. (This song, while relatively easy to find online, is damn near impossible to find in its physical form. It's considered such a large part of the Beastie history that the group attempted to include it on their anthology, The Sounds of Science, and even tried to do it the legal way, contacting AC/DC personally, but they were still denied the sample, since AC/DC is essentially a group of dinosaurs who would rather hoard all of the food than share even a pittance with everyone else.) The Beasties soon found themselves touring again, this time opening for musical acts as diverse as Public Image Ltd, Madonna, and, obviously, the Rick Rubin Super Tour, otherwise known as labelmates Run DMC and LL Cool J. It was while on the hip hop tour that their first actual single, "Hold It Now, Hit It", took off and cemented their place on the label (because whenever you make a label money, you get to keep your slot - just ask Soulja Boy). They also scored a cameo in the film Krush Groove, and their own "She's On It" was one of the hit singles from its soundtrack. 

Their official hip hop debut, Licensed To Ill, was released in 1986, which makes this album older than some of my readers. (It's original title, Don't be A Faggot, was quickly nixed by Russell Simmons, who preferred to not piss off a good chunk of the population in one shot: the group later apologized for their apparent arrogance and stupidity.) It quickly became the highest selling hip hop album of its era, remaining at the top of Billboard's album charts for no less than five weeks. It would eventually sell over five million copies, more than essentially everyone else on the label, at least until Run DMC jacked that Aerosmith song. The album is still universally beloved today, primarily for the group's biggest hit, "Fight For Your Right", which is still played at frat parties nationwide on a regular basis (along with Young MC's "Bust A Move" and Curtis Jackson's "I'll Still Kill"). Just because most everyone that picked up this album back them still owns it to this day, doesn't mean it's any good, though. 

Or does it? 

1. RHYMIN' & STEALIN' 

I love how the unsubtle scratching makes it seem like you're joining Licensed To Ill, already in progress. The chemistry between MCA, Ad-Rock, and Mike D is apparent right from the jump. This song pretty much rocks. 

2. THE NEW STYLE 

This track is decent enough, but I'm more fond of the final verse, when the beat switches completely. The end part is what Reggie Noble paid homage to on his own "Beet Drop". Ironically, for a punk group, the part where the guitars disappear happens to be my favorite part on the song. 

3. SHE'S CRAFTY 

You may wonder if the sound of guitars dominate this disc. The answer is, not really, but should you expect anything less from a punk group making the genre switch to hip hop? Rick Rubin probably felt that his production would help ease the Beasties into their new musical choice, but that doesn't explain his production work on Run DMC's first album, as well as LL Cool J's, since all three of the Def Jam debuts sound like one overlong Rick Rubin jam session, with a drum machine on standby. 

4. POSSE IN EFFECT 

Sorry, I just listened to this song twice, and I still can't remember anything from it. 

5. SLOW RIDE 

War's "Low Rider" sample is overused, especially since now it reminds me of The George Lopez Show, but the song itself is pretty good. 6. GIRLS This track is representative of the type of song the Beastie Boys would denounce today. Other than the sexist element, I can appreciate the Boys's honesty: they were horny. They wanted sex. From girls. I get it. That doesn't make this particular song any good, though. 

7. FIGHT FOR YOUR RIGHT 

You already know this song, and you either love it or hate it. No matter how many charitable causes the Beasties give to, no matter how many times they chant "Free Tibet" or how many whales they keep from crossing America's borders, everyone will remember the group for This. One. Song. 

8. NO SLEEP TILL BROOKLYN 

Features guitar playing from Kerry King of Slayer, who, hilariously enough, were also signed to Def Jam by Rick Rubin (he apparently had big plans for the label: Slayer thought otherwise of a deal that would pair them on mall tours with Run DMC), This song also fucking rocks, and I love the fact that this heavy-metal skewering track was later covered by M.O.P. That reminds me, where the fuck are my M.O.P. CDs? 

9. PAUL REVERE 

A violent (and obviously fictional) retelling of how the Beastie Boys originally formed. A lot of your favorite rappers love this song and can recite it from memory; when you hear it, you'll understand why. 

10. HOLD IT NOW, HIT IT 

For being one of their first singles, this song is only okay, but at least I now know where Just Blaze found the "Chilly-chill" vocal sample used in Memphis Bleek's "Murda Murda" (also known as Jay-Z's "Murda Marcyville"). Boy, those guys sure do love their White Castle, don't they? They mention it for seemingly the ninety-seventh time on this track. 

11. BRASS MONKEY 

Come on, you already know this song. And you love it. You know you do. Eazy-E loved this song, too (see: N.W.A.'s "8-Ball (Remix)"). 

12. SLOW & LOW 

Originally written and performed by Run DMC (a demo version appears on the re-release of their Kings of Rock). The Beasties do very well rapping a song that they would be the first to admit they had nothing to do with (all they did was update a couple of the Run DMC-specific lines to Beastie sayings). 

13. TIME TO GET ILL

A good enough song, but a weak way to end your debut album. 

FINAL THOUGHTS: Yes, the rhymes are simplistic as fuck, and the lyrical content is of a singular focus (when they're not talking shit, they rhyme about chicks). But do you even remember what rappers were talking about back in 1986? Other than the skin color thing (damn, almost went the entire write-up without mentioning that), the Beastie Boys fit right in to the scene, promoting Def Jam to heights that would be later eclipsed by artists such as Shawn Carter and Warren G. Licensed To Ill is still the only hip hop album to consistently hit Billboard's specialty catalog album charts, placing it right next to Michael Jackson's Thriller and random Pink Floyd albums on a regular basis; it also always seems to be on sale at Best Buy for whatever reason. Licensed To Ill sounds like a boozy night in the studio committed to wax, and their obvious talent is only seen in short bursts, which is why their sophomore effort Paul's Boutique shocked the music industry. (More on that one at a later date.) 

BUY OR BURN? Beastie Boys albums are always more fun to listen to than, say, Eminem's, or any other random white rapper you can name (unless you count To The 5 Boroughs, which was a chore at times), so if you're up for some old school shit, you could do worse than picking up Licensed To Ill. Like I wrote above, it's always on sale for some reason, so you have no excuse. 

BEST TRACKS: "Rhymin' & Stealin'"; "No Sleep Till Brooklyn"; "Paul Revere"; "Slow & Low"; "The New Style" 

-Max