April 8, 2008

My Gut Reaction: Baby Loves Hip Hop Presents The Dino 5 (April 1, 2008)


A few weeks ago, someone left a comment in my handy C-Box mentioning that, while they enjoyed the (not as frequent as I would like, but these things are time consuming, people) write-ups for older albums, I should also write about newer shit, as a change of pace. Well, I do occasionally write about newer shit, but the problem with that is I have to practice what I preach and actually buy the fucking things, and I don't usually run out to buy shit the day it drops anymore; this is why you haven't seen anything about Pete Rock's or Lupe Fiasco's newest albums.

Someone else offered that I don't write about anything that real n----z are feeling in the streets. Is it my fault that most of what real n----z feel in the streets sound like someone taking a shit in the alley? The point of HHID is to make sure people avoid the bullshit, not actively pursue it.

Fuck it, I think I stumbled across the perfect album to appease both motherfucking camps. Having already listened to the album before writing these paragraphs, I can say, with confidence, that Baby Loves Hip Hop Presents The Dino 5 rocks harder than my cock, is guaranteed to get your girl's panties wet, and will serve as the perfect soundtrack for when you rack up, and then skate on, your felony assault charges that you're forced to commit because, well, that's what real n----z are feeling in the streets.

Entirely produced by the motherfucking king of the hip hop skit, Prince Paul Huston, Baby Loves Hip Hop Presents The Dino 5 tells the true tale of the oldest fucking rap group in the history of time, and how they originally formed, in an easy-to-follow storybook format. Paul himself plays DJ Stegosaurus, the group's deejay (as if you didn't see that shit coming), and ex-Roots member Scratch provides beatbox assists as Teo Pterodactyl. Rhymes are brought to you by MC T-Rex (portrayed realistically by Chali 2na from Jurassic 5; one would believe that the Dino 5 only chose their moniker because the better name was already locked in), Billy Brontosaurus (Wordsworth from eMC, Punch & Words, and "being a better rapper than you" fame), and Tracy Triceratops (Ladybug Mecca from motherfucking Digable Planets), all of whom spit some of the hardest shit that your son or daughter will ever hear, bitches!

This project is part of the Baby Loves Music series, dedicated to making sure your child grows up listening to much better shit than you ever did. Prince Paul wasn't exactly an inspired choice to introduce the hip hop genre to your seed; he was the only fucking choice (haven't you ever heard the family-friendly hippie production from De La Soul's 3 Feet High And Rising?). You can find out more about the series by clicking on this bitch, and take a gander at the Dino 5's official website by plunking yourself here. Don't worry about the T-Rex scaring your kid shitless: he's carrying a fucking stuffed bunny, for fuck's sake! And they're all drawn to look so fucking adorable! The liner notes even include fun activities and pages for children to color on! I'm not even lying when I say that this is the best rap album I've heard all motherfucking godforsaken year.

And lest you think this is a belated April Fools joke, given the project's release date, just ask yourself, when has Max ever steered you wrong?

Besides that one time. Jesus, you two can be such dicks sometimes.

1. DINO 5 THEME
Not your usual rap album intro. No, this one is motherfucking catchy.

2. STORY PART 1: PICK OUT A BOOK
Narrator Ursula Rucker reads the Dino 5 story to her enthralled child, even though she actually sounds a bit annoyed at her seed, which is both hilarious and pretty fucking realistic.

3. I MAY BE BIG AND SCARY (BUT I'M REALLY PRETTY NICE)
A solo showcase for MC T-Rex, who would quickly bite your fucking arm off, if only he weren't carrying around that bunny that tells him to be more personable.

4. STORY PART 2: AT THE PLAYGROUND
T-Rex and Billy have their first confrontation, which would normally end with the brontosaurus being eaten, but since this is a rap album, Billy just ends up being shot nine times.

5. YEAH, ME TOO
Over some hard-hitting Paul drums, Billy and T-Rex trade back and forth, spitting anachronistic rhymes galore. This song fucking rocks, but my only quibble is a grammatical one; when Billy starts talking about the things he doesn't like, T-Rex replies "Yeah, me too", and it just sounds awkward.

6. STORY PART 3: BACK TO HIS BUDDIES
Introducing DJ Stegosaurus as a guy who only scratches his dialogue into the conversation is fucking brilliant, but even better is having Teo only beatbox.

7. TELL ME MORE
Meh.

8. STORY PART 4: PLAY DATE
Oh shit, motherfuckers! After a bizarre bathroom break (what would a Prince Paul album be without skits?), the tale continues, and we meet up with the crew when T-Rex is first introduced to them. I laughed out loud at the mention of Billy's "mommasaurus".

9. THAT'S FUNNY
Dinosaur children insulting each other over a musical backdrop. I don't have to tell you that this shit is more gutter than your favorite rapper's favorite drug dealer's favorite corner.

10. STORY PART 5: BASEMENT JAMS
At this point T-Rex is invited to join the crew's rap group, and he accepts, but only after dropping the bombshell that he actually plays a role in a different rap group, one he formed with his cousins, "Pos" and "Dave". Obviously, this leads to...

11. JUMP
Ostensibly a song from T-Rex's other crew, featuring uncredited cameos from De La Soul's Pos and Dave, because what would a Prince Paul project be without those motherfuckers in tow? Tracy and Billy hop on the instrumental at the end, in true beat-jacking fashion.

12. STORY PART 6: NIGHT TURNS TO DAY
So the Dino 5 (as they are now called) decide to enter their school's talent show, just like in any self-respecting teen movie from the 1980's. I love how Tracy expands on her amazement at T-Rex's mic skills by exclaiming, "We should get him on a mixtape!". Teach the youth early, my two readers.

13. WHAT ABOUT TEN?
Not only is this shit catchy as fuck, you might even learn how to count up to double digits in this bitch.

14. STORY PART 7: TALENT SHOW
Because this is directed toward children, after all, there has to be a burp joke somewhere. Oddly, farting is omitted, for which I am thankful.

15. DINO 5 THEME (LONG PLAY)
A longer version of the rap album intro, this time with solo verses from each rapping cartoon character. Rocks even fucking harder than the original, if that's even possible.

16. TEO, START IT OFF
A beatboxing interlude, albeit one that may convince your seed that they, too, can make music with their mouths.

17. SOMETIMES I LIKE TO SCREAM
The darkest song I've heard thus far. On this psychological thriller of a track, the Dino 5 accurately portray the mindset of a troubled child who, sometimes, just likes to fucking scream.

18. STORY PART 8: BURP-TALKING DINO WINS
So the crew actually lost the fucking talent show to a burping dinosaur? Motherfuckers. It was probably the song they chose to close their set with. Toward the end of this track, Ursula Rucker also sorta-promises a sequel...

19. GLAD THAT WE CAME, NOW WE HAVE TO GO
A slower, chilled-out beat for the three dinosaurs to say their goodbyes with. Can also be utilizes to help you come off of your high. Not your kid's high, though: childhood is a natural high that young'uns should experience as long as possible, cocksuckers.

20. STORY PART 9: GOOD NIGHT, MOMMA
Outro.

THE LAST WORD: There's a scene in that awful fucking movie Fever Pitch (the Jimmy Fallon version, not the Colin Firth original) where Fallon's character, a lifelong Red Sox fan, shows the audience that he was ready to share his obsession with his newborn child by pulling a baby Red Sox uniform out of a drawer. Baby Loves Hip Hop Presents The Dino 5 is my equivalent of that act, and if you give any sort of fuck about this genre at all, it will be yours, too.

-Max

9 comments:

  1. This has to be the most hilarious review of a kid's cd evah! I think I wet myself. And yes, the Dino 5 do rock like a muthafucka! Tiiight!

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  2. the most felonious vocalist in the wide world of showbusinessApril 08, 2008

    Max, have you listened to Mirror Music by Wordsworth yet? It's been in heavy rotation for me lately. Also, can I get a production credit on that favorite rapper's favorite drug dealer's line? Cormega continues to inspire greatness.

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  3. Hilarious review! Laughed so much...so should i buy it?

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  4. i didn't know dinosaurs could beatbox... xD this was unexpected! good one Max!

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  5. Best motherfukin review ever. Dat shit iz tiiiiiiiite. This morning my wife called and said my son was asking for the Dino5. It was the proudest moment in my life full of crime and misogyny! Then I punched an old lady crossing the street. Shit is real.

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  6. I might have to try and get this album now. Oh yeah, that baby's first Red Sox uniform shit is real in Boston. It's really real.

    One.

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  7. My little one likes this CD, too. He thinks there's also a companion book available at the library.

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  8. I also forgot ot mention that "Baby Loves Jazz" is great as well.

    Vincent
    thimk.wordpress.com

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  9. I bought this for my 4 year old son, now he's crazy about it (he also really likes the 1st track on 'Born Like This')! Gotta raise the new generation right, ya'll. I heard about it originally due to the Dig Plans connection and was not dissapointed. The album is the perfect combination of serious musicianship and lightheartedness.

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