Reader Review: Jay-Z - The Black Album (November 14, 2003)

(As a way of celebrating the wonderment that is the Christmas spirit, here's a write-up for the so-called "retirement" album by the first rapper I ever wrote about on Hip Hop Isn't Dead. The difference between this write-up (for The Black Album) and the others that I received for this week is, simply put, the feminine perspective, provided today by Lil' Venki. Although from some of the comments I've received about my other shit, I'm sure some of you two already think this blog is written from the feminine perspective. If that's the case, then you can go fuck yourselves. Happy holidays!)

Hey Max, long time listener, first time caller. Anyway, here's my blog.

Let me preface this by saying that I have never cared about hip-hop. (I'm sure I just lost most of my two readers right there.) I never knew shit from shinola when it came to the hip-hop. However, that all changed when I met my boyfriend. I’ve always drawn music snobs to me like little moths floating toward a bright destructive flame. And sure enough, after cycling through emo, rock, alternative and the rest (no death metal?), eventually I met a guy who claimed to know the difference between hip hop and rap. (Apparently, there’s a difference. Who knew?)

Anywho, when we began to date, I still didn’t give two fucks about hip hop. Who the fuck cares about hip-hop, anyway? Last time I checked, it was dead. (Close.) After my beloved gave me a mix tape (which I admittedly paid lip service to), I finally decided, a few years in and on my own terms, to listen to something just to shut him the fuck up.

So, I picked up The Black Album.

You know how the smallest thing can sometimes open up your whole world? It can be a person, or maybe a traumatic experience, or possibly watching Michael Jordan for the first time in his heyday, scoring like a motherfucker when he’s sick with the flu during the playoffs, or it can be your fourth DWI. Occasionally, it’s music (cue jazz hands!), and on even more rare occasions, it's music by Shawn Carter.

Unbeknownst to my fella, I popped The Black Album into the car stereo and drove around town, running errands. And then I played it again. And then I played it again. By the end of the afternoon, I knew 80% of "December 4th". By the end of the week I was still spinning it. And I just got it. I finally understood what he liked about hip hop. (I mean good hip hop, not that atrocious shit you hear on the radio. Oh God no, not that.) As for the boyfriend, well, I married the bastard.

Ok, brass tacks. For me, music is 90% lyrics and 30% beat. (Also, 64% fat-free.) Luckily, this has both. So, from a former hip hop outsider (and a female), I present The Black Album.

1. INTERLUDE
Oh shit, it’s an interlude! Run! Oddly, the instrumental reminds me of the music on old PBS shows. I feel like Morgan Freeman is about to pop up and teach me about numbers. (Side note: I have a theory that this album could easily be seen as a companion piece to Jesus Christ Superstar. The musical, not the Christ. Just me, then?)

2. DECEMBER 4TH
My favorite by far. Happy Belated Shawn! I’m not so sure about the high pitched guidance counselor (sample), but I really like this song. I have to admit that for me, on this particular song, it’s lyrics over beat. How can you not relate to the broken home and wanting a strong male role model? Aww, poor Shawn. From humble roots…well, at least the wavy light skinned girls love you now. (For the record, I still personally find this track boring as shit. Just Blaze's instrumental has this uncanny way of making me want to fall asleep regardless of my surroundings, and that tends to only happen when I'm listening to ambient ocean sounds or watching Street Kings. My God, that movie's fucking hilariously awful. Anyway, I have to agree with the whole 'lyrics over beat' thing, since Shawn's words actually sound really fucking good on 9th Wonder's remix of this track.)

3. WHAT MORE CAN I SAY
I am totally entertained. This beat is just good. Plus, awesome lyric: “I don’t wear jerseys, I’m 30 plus, give me a crisp pair of jeans, n---a, button up.” See boys, you don’t have to wear your homophobia on your sleeve, you can just be a man by, are you ready for this, showing and proving. Now ditch those saggy ass pants. No one, and I mean no one, wants to see your nasty ass skid marked boxers. Plus it makes your ass look flat and ladies like to dig their nails into something while grinding, and no girl is gonna rock ya if she thinks she has nothing to hold onto. The more you know (cue rainbow and NBC jingle.) (Fuck, that was a weird rant. Probably a lot of truth in it, though.) Also, nice dig at the young bloods, Jay. He may not have been shot the fuck up (like a certain...oh, fuck it, you two know who I'm talking about by now), but he’ll probably outlast a lot of these young cats. And he ends the track by reminding us that we will eventually miss him once he retires. Kind of like Jesus in Jesus Christ Superstar.

4. ENCORE (FEAT KANYE WEST & JOHN LEGEND)

Jay, as most rappers tend to do, spends an entire song reminding us that he is, lyrically, the best. Good beat, good lyrics, good God, let’s eat. And then he brings it down just a bit toward the end. Tender.

5. CHANGE CLOTHES (FEAT PHARRELL WILLIAMS)
OK, I'm starting to sense the pattern of conceit, proving that all rappers are insecure. (You start by reminding everyone that you are the best, and end by reminding everyone that this retirement is for keeps. This time I mean it. OK, I'll release Kingdom Come, but the next retirement might be the ONE. Is that really necessary?) For some reason, whenever I hear this song, Skateboard P's chorus gets stuck in my head, except in my head, the creepy ass bear from the Snuggle commercials is singing it. “...And girl I promise you no substitutes, just me!” Cue sadistic giggle. And it puts a smile on my face.

6. DIRT OFF YOUR SHOULDERS
Your lady will move her ass to this. And isn’t that really all that matters? (In a word, yes. I could also come up with two words, but all that come to mind are "fuck" and "yes".) Also, Hova cares about you, folks; he wants you to look your best. Now get that dirt off your shoulder. Shit, this beat is tiiight. (I made sure to include all three "i"'s so that you two will know exactly how good this Timbaland beat actually is. Also, try to track down Royce da 5'9"'s freestyle over this beat when you get a chance; that motherfucker makes it seem like Timothy crafted the instrumental for his own needs.)

7. THREAT (FEAT CEDRIC THE ENTERTAINER)
I fucking love the build up to this shit. Hova can, apparently, kill you in a thousand easy ways. Lyrically, this is just hot. Shit, I wish I could build the Sands on some motherfucker. Wish I had a casino to build in the middle of nowhere that hid my enemies’ corpses. Lucky.

8. MOMENT OF CLARITY
Honest. Raw. He admits that he dumbs himself down for his audience. I can understand that. Also, it was awfully clever of him to name-drop all of his previous albums in the chorus. Buy me! Poor little insecure Shawn. Will someone please buy one his of cot damn blockbuster-selling albums already? Please?

9. 99 PROBLEMS
I'm loving the return to the roots of classic hip hop. The video for this is also pretty cool. (Rick Rubin's Billy Squire-jacking actually holds up even better today than it did five years ago.)

10. PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT (INTERLUDE)
I love the opening verse. It just flows so easily like your first bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 into your junior high lips. No? Just me, then? (Mad Dog? Don't the kids in junior high start off with fucking Boone's Farm?)

11. JUSTIFY MY THUG
OK, the first few lines of this, where Jay gets lazy, just singing Bill Haley’s song almost word for word, puro pinche flojeria! I like the underlying beat, but the fact that he (meaning producer DJ Quik) uses "Justify My Love", which has to be up there as one of my least favorite Madonna songs, makes this song almost unbearable. OK, maybe just the chorus. No, wait, actually, for me, the chorus makes this song unlistenable. That Madonna song fucking sucks. I loathe that song (and its blatant jacking of Public Enemy) and its asinine lyrics: "I want to make love with you in Japan. I want to eat sushi with you in Delaware. I want to take out a payday loan with you in Taiwan. I want to listen to fog with you in my shower in Duluth. (Come on, that's just fucking funny.) I want to wrestle a bear wearing a Jell-O bikini while whistling in a vat of spaghetti with you at a Little Caesar’s in Milan." I want to blow out my brains when I hear that song. (I'm almost twenty-three percent certain that most of those lyrics aren't in the actual song.) This is by far the worst track on the entire disc. Let’s just skip to….

12. LUCIFER
The other Kanye West song on here is pretty good, but the hook just sticks to your ribs, and I lose the lyrics.

13. ALLURE
Admittedly, I don’t usually get this far in The Black Album. But the instrumental (provided by The Neptunes) is very clean. It sounds like the music at the end of the last scene of a 1960's TV dramedy, where they freeze frame on the scene right before the end credits flash by. It’s nice, but for me, forgettable. Actually, now it's definitely sounding like the end of Mahogany. (DJ Green Lantern actually mashed up this song's lyrics with the beat from Kanye West's "Flashing Lights", a move that finally made me like this song, as I never gave much of a fuck when I first bought the disc. Speaking of the disc, does anybody know what happened to the autobiography that Shawn was writing, an excerpt of which appeared in the liner notes? Does he keep it under his pillow at night?)

14. MY 1ST SONG
That guitar sounds good, but once again, I’m reminded why I don’t spin this far back. It’s good, but it doesn’t grab me quite as much as I want it to. It doesn't help that Jay just starts talking to random people in the room, reminiscing. Just stop talking. Don’t just keep throwing in random chores that you’re doing later. I don’t give a fuck that you’re going to go golfing and then getting a cappuccino, and then you might go to Home Depot if you have some time. Then I’m gonna holla at my boy and walk down the block and then I think I’ll stop at a Which Wich? cause I really like their number 9 sandwich, no wait, is that the meatball marinara? 'Cause I’m thinking tuna would be good too. Oh snap, I forgot, I gotta drop my moms off at work. (All seven of them, apparently.) Ok, new plan, let’s take care of moms, then Which Wich?, then we might squeeze in Home Depot. Then a round of golf, get me some new kicks at the Payless, then we head on down to the studio, finish off this album by reciting my grocery list, and then pick up Beyonce, head to the crib and I’m in bed by 9:30, 10:30 tops cause I have an meeting in the morning with the head of Island Def Jam and I already moved it twice …STOP! I don’t need to hear your fucking itinerary!

FINAL THOUGHTS: Overall, I think The Black Album was love at first listen. Lyrically, it is so tight. The beats are good. You can shake your ass to at least 85% of it. (Seriously, that's all that matters.)

BUY OR BURN? Alright, I know you already own this. Unless, of course, you’re Amish, and you’re going out into the world for the first time. If that's the case, then I should tell you that this (waves an upturned hand toward the computer screen) is the internet. You’re going to want to close this window and go look for some porn. You’ll like that, since you’re probably just used to high collars and long skirts. A thrill for you might be a gander at a woman’s ankle (if she’s so inclined). Don’t waste your time trying to roll with this, young Amish dude, as you won’t get it. For all you non-Amish readers who are familiar with this, and for some reason have yet to own or feast your ears on this, of course you should buy this. What the fuck is wrong with you?

-Lil’ Venki

(Getting tired of this whole 'reader review' thing? Or do you want to see more of them in the future? Drop me a line and let me know. Also, feel free to read through my original review of The Black Album when you get a chance.)