Weird-Ass Wu-Tang Clan Cameos, Part 1: The Dirty Version

As a Wu-Tang stan, I've been known to collect any and every song that the Wu-Tang Clan has ever contributed to. (At least, that's how I used to operate, before I got a life.) And, like most fans, I've been frequently mystified as to the lengths the Clan will go in order to garner attention to its cause. In this series (which will hopefully last beyond the one post, although, as I promised late last year, the 'Producers Guild' thing will return once I find some time and get my thoughts together), I plan on highlighting some of the more bizarre collaborations that Wu-Tang Clan fanatics have been subjected to, all in the name of protecting one's neck.

The late Russell Jones, best known to readers as Ol' Dirty Bastard, isn't the most obvious choice for pop stardom at first. Method Man had the charisma, Ghostface Killah had the rhymes, and The Rza had pointy-ass finger blade things (and, also, he had all of the Clan's money, if we are to believe U-God and other various affiliates). However, his outspoken public presence and his constant drug troubles made Russell endearing to the public (that, and the fact that he lifted up a fucking car to save a trapped child), and the music industry adopted him as the son they never really wanted, but could tolerate, as long as he didn't do anything as silly as interrupt the recording industry's annual celebration of itself, the Grammy Awards. Oh, wait...




BLACKSTREET FEAT OL' DIRTY BASTARD, SLASH, & FISHBONE - FIX (REMIX)
I was never able to figure out why Dirt McGirt appeared on this remix to an ineffective BLACKStreet album track, but here you go. I'm sure the residual checks (I remember this clip airing on MTV on a pretty frequent basis) went a long way towards those child support payments. This track was released when rappers and R&B singers were attempting to appeal to the rock-and-roll fanbase by creating the most godawful amalgamations of rap and rock known to mankind (see also: Puff Daddy & The Family's "It's All About The Benjamins (Rock Remix)", which is a terrible track, but I have to admit that the Spike Jonze-directed video was pretty cool). Slash, late of Guns 'N Roses but probably best known to the two of you today as a character from fucking Guitar Hero, has a decent solo towards the end, but I can't picture any of my readers watching this clip more than just the once.


BIG DADDY KANE FEAT BIG SCOOB, SAUCE MONEY, SHYHEIM, JAY-Z, & OL' DIRTY BASTARD - SHOW & PROVE
This allegedly classic Big Daddy Kane creation (off of Daddy's Home), with production duties handled by the one and only DJ Premier, is included here because of the seemingly random way the guests were selected. It's not a bad song by any means (the version presented in this video, however, is terrible, as it is filled with abrupt pauses where the uploader tried to insert the dirty version of the track over the video feed, and since the version of the track is amended already (as this song is crazy long), it makes for an annoying listening experience), but there are some things that will make you sit up and take notice. Shyheim's verse (penned by Method Man, as the story goes) is probably the worst one on here, and there's something about Jay-Z's outfit that makes me believe he would die of embarrassment if her were to ever see this clip again. ODB appears after his future label boss Hova and rounds things out nicely. (I never said that these songs would be bad: I said the pairings would be strange.) It's also nice to hear Sauce Money, since my understanding is that he has taken a new position as a chimney sweep.



JC CHASEZ FEAT OL' DIRTY BASTARD - SOME GIRLS (DANCE WITH WOMEN)I would apologize for the poor video quality, but honestly, none of you two are going to watch this one anyway. JC Chasez, formerly of N*SYNC, will never be able to match what his bandmate Justin Timberlake has been able to pull off in his career, what with the Timbaland tracks and "Dick In A Box", which is why he is (or was; I'm not sure anymore) a judge for some dance show on MTV. However, his brief foray into solo stardom was Schizophrenic, and its lead-off single was "Some Girls (*Dance With Women)". The video above features Dirt McGirt doing some weird half-dance/half-standing around thing, all while looking generally mortified to be seen there. (If Dirty had been doing this track with Justin, at least he would have been able to keep his street cred.) Rightfully so, this track never took off.



EN VOGUE FEAT OL' DIRTY BASTARD - WHATEVER (TUMBLIN' DICE REMIX)
Whenever I hear those tumbling dice effects, I'm always transported back to the beginning of Rampage The Last Boy Scout's "Take It To The Streets", featuring Billy Lawrence. (Whatever happened to her?) Apparently, this remix (which appeared on the "Whatever" single's B-side) made the mixtape rounds when it dropped, which I believe was 1997. This was En Vogue's first single release after losing group member Dawn Robinson, who signed a deal with Dr. Dre's Aftermath Records that led, predictably, nowhere: she later helped form Lucy Pearl and is now best known for once being a part of En Vogue. I like the original version, even with it's creepy-as-fuck video, which looks like Terry Gilliam on acid (actually, that combination would probably make Terry Gilliam seem like hack extraordinaire Joel Schumacher), but this remix doesn't work for me at all. By the way, you know who should be in line for a career resurgence? En Vogue. Not only were the girls really cute, they actually had good songs, which is much more than you can say about some of these "singers" today. By the way, there was never an official video released for this remix, so there you go.



CHOCLAIR FEAT OL' DIRTY BASTARD & SAUKRATES - SUAVE DIRT DOGS
This combination is just goofy. Canadian rappers Choclair and a pre-Gilla House Saukrates trade bars with Big Baby Jesus over the finer qualities of the female species over an annoying instrumental that, I swear to god, may force you to give up on hip hop for good. I'm not sure who signed off on this track, but whoever it was should be bludgeoned to death with a billy club, beaten, tortured, stabbed multiple times, shot at point blank range, fed to lions, and slapped.


MARIAH CAREY FEAT OL' DIRTY BASTARD - FANTASY (REMIX)Of course, no discussion of Ol' Dirty Bastard's kookiest cameos would be complete without his inauguration to the mainstream via Mariah Carey's Tom Tom Club-jacking "Fantasy". Released while Mariah Carey was still cute (and not strangely fake looking, as Mrs. Nick Cannon is today), this remix (produced by Sean Combs, of all people) elevated Dirt McGirt's game to new heights, surpassing even Method Man, the original breakout favorite, as the most bankable emcee in the Wu-Tang Clan, a position he held right up until he started getting into some problems with drugs, which is to say, approximately half the time it takes for this video to finish. Mariah Carey was apparently a huge Wu-Tang Clan fan and invited the man personally to record, a decision that I'm sure Tommy Mottola was sweating at the time. The lasting legacy this song will forever hold with me, though, lies in the fact that, even for four minutes and change, my father, a Mariah fan, was forced to listen to one of the rawest motherfuckers to ever touch the mic (or else he could just change the channel, I suppose). For Dirty fans, this track is a must hear, and for everyone else, well, the beat's catchy enough.

I obviously left out a ton of shit, so feel free to leave me your thoughts and concerns below.

BONUS VIDEO:



OL' DIRTY BASTARD - BROOKLYN ZOO (ORIGINAL VERSION)
During my search, I came across what was apparently the first version of the "Brooklyn Zoo" video. Although it aired in New York, it was never really shown anywhere else, as the Wu quickly released an alternate take that wasn't, I don't know, so offensive to Asians (which is weird, since they seem to have co-opted a bunch of other shit from that culture). I had never seen it before, so I found it interesting in a Wu-Tang stan kind of way, but it makes me miss music videos such as these, where your crew is just fucking around in a hallway (especially Method Man, pre-stardom) in front of a camera. For those of you two that have already watched this clip, please don't spoil it for the newbies.

-Max