50 Cent - The Massacre (March 3, 2005)

(Taken from the Hip Hop Isn't Dead FAQ:
Q: Your blog seems to have been designed to introduce readers to hip hop albums that they should be listening to, as opposed to the shit that is supported on a daily basis. Why would you waste your time reviewing an album that seems to go against the mission of your site?

A: Good question. While my main goal is to introduce readers to new ideas and to point out standout songs on otherwise forgettable albums, a byproduct of a blog like this is to stir up discussion. An easy way to do so is to comment on ideas that directly contradict the very nature of hip hop. Also, it's fun to talk shit sometimes.)

I'm going to enjoy this.


FOR THE UNINITIATED: Curtis Jackson, second Interscope album, The Massacre, sold trillions of copies, sucks balls, will sacrifice my ears and my time so that you don't have to.

(I'm certainly not writing about this album so that I have an excuse to put up yet another rap album cover with some shirtless jackass. I swear, I'm going to have to start posting Playboy pics or something. And by the way, why are rappers so fucking homophobic, when they put out product that clearly aims squarely for that demographic? Word to Big R.)

1. INTRO
Incredibly useless, since the conceit is that this CD is a Valentine's Day gift, and the album isn't called The St. Valentine's Day Massacre anymore.

2. IN MY HOOD
Admittedly, not bad. The beat sounds like something the Wu would rhyme over on Wu-Tang Forever. Of course, Curtis fucks this whole song up by being Curtis.

3. THIS IS 50
You know who I miss? Young MC. Whatever happened to that guy?

4. I'M SUPPOSED TO DIE TONIGHT
I don't wish death on anyone, but if it'll get you to stop making horrible music, I'll look the other way.

5. PIGGY BANK
The infamous dis to Nas, Jadakiss, and Fat Joe, all rappers infinitely more talented than Curtis. Well, except for Fat Joe, who hasn't done anything worthwhile since discovering Big Punisher.

6. GATMAN AND ROBBIN (FEAT EMINEM)
There's a song off of Snoop Dogg's Paid Tha Cost To Be Da Bo$$ called "Batman & Robin" (produced by DJ Premier, in an infrequent lapse of judgment), that samples the theme to the television show. That song isn't very good, but sounds like the fucking Beatles and the Rolling Stones collaborating on a Temptations song when compared to this Marshall Mathers-produced shitstorm that uses the same sample.

7. CANDY SHOP (FEAT OLIVIA)
Ja Rule sings on his choruses, and Curtis Jackson talks shit. Curtis pulls some hypocritical bitch shit and sings on his own songs, and he gets a pass? What the fuck are people thinking? Oh, that's right; chicks shake their asses to his songs. Download Scott Storch's instrumental (which is decent) and forget this song exists.

8. OUTTA CONTROL
Sounds like The Game's "Higher", which was the best song from The Documentary. Both tracks were produced by Dr. Dre. Coincidence? Probably. (Side note: on the re-release of The Massacre of Max's Ears, Curtis included the "Outta Control (Remix)", featuring Mobb Deep, which is one of the least appealing Dr. Dre production efforts ever.)

9. BITCH GET IN MY CAR
A sequel to Get Rich Or Die Tryin's "Bitch Get Out of My Dreams".

10. SKI MASK WAY
The producer of this track, Disco D, committed suicide earlier this year. There's nothing funny about suicide, and I won't imply that it was related in any way to this song. (Disco D also produced Kevin Federline's "PopoZao". No comment.) I remember that some residents of Virginia took offense at Curtis's reference to the state being "just one big pussy, ready to get fucked". Some residents of Virginia apparently never saw Scarface.

11. A BALTIMORE LOVE THING
"That monkey on your back symbolizes my love"? I know this song is about heroin addiction, but couldn't it easily apply to his cronies in G-Unit, which actually stands for Gorilla Unit? What say you, dear readers?

12. RYDER MUSIC
I'm sure someone actually "rydes" to this music, but that someone probably thought Tony Yayo's Thoughts Of A Predicate Felon was the best shit since the one he took this morning.

13. DISCO INFERNO
Wow, this song sucks. But this isn't surprising, since it was awful when it was the first single.

14. JUST A LIL BIT
Curtis's manhood is should start being questioned, just a lil' bit.

15. GUNZ COME OUT
Dr. Dre clearly chose the wrong horse to back in the Game/Curtis feud. However, this song is passable.

16. MY TOY SOLDIER (FEAT TONY YAYO)
This joke really writes itself, but for those who don't see it: Curtis Jackson is basically referring to Antonio Yayo as his toy soldier. That's just not right. No Martika sample to be found here, for those concerned.

17. POSITION OF POWER
I know that the concept of original subject matter has been thrown under a bus at this point, but I'm still appalled by the fact that people actively bought this shit.

18. BUILD YOU UP (FEAT JAMIE FOXX)
You know who else I miss? Positive K. What's your man got to do with me?

19. GOD GAVE ME STYLE
Wow. Curtis Jackson rips off Coldplay. Since I actually like Coldplay, this song just makes me Hulk out.

20. SO AMAZING (FEAT OLIVIA)
You know what's truly amazing: the promotion of Olivia's album that culminated in jack and shit. Bizounce to that shit, Olivia fans.

21. I DON'T NEED EM
Taken literally (as in "I don't need Em(inem)"), this would be a true statement, since Curtis has perfected the hip hop album to a fucking scientific equation (club bangers + street tracks = hit record, serve quickly before people realize the songs sound the same as before). The chorus is just hilarious, though. "I tell n----s to suck my dick"? I'm going to take that quote out of context on fucking purpose.

22. HATE IT OR LOVE IT (REMIX) (FEAT THE GAME, LLOYD BANKS, TONY YAYO, & YOUNG BUCK)
Obviously done well before the beef. Curtis can't even be bothered to contribute a new verse; I guess he had too many steroids to chase with his Vitamin Water that month. Which is weird, because even The Game, who everyone can agree is a better rapper, included a new verse on a remix of his own fucking song.

FINAL THOUGHTS: The Massacre is, quite possibly, the worst album I've reviewed on this blog thus far. Even if you strip away the preconceived notions of this sucking since it's 50 Cent, after all, the one thing you notice is that Curtis hasn't stepped his game up at all. But I suppose he doesn't have to, since ignorant-ass rap "fans" will fuck it up for the rest of us. You can find better artistic growth on that Vanilla Ice rock album that sounded like Korn.

BUY OR BURN? Why do either?

BEST TRACKS: "Gunz Come Out" and "Outta Control" are the best ones here, but your life won't end if you never listen to these tracks. Avoid this shit like a rabid dog shopping its demo.

(Disagree with the above review? Tough shit. I'll still welcome your comments below, though.)

-Max

RELATED POSTS:
50 Cent - Get Rich Or Die Tryin'
The Game - The Documentary
Lloyd Banks - The Hunger For More