October 29, 2009

Max Comments On Selections From Billboard's Hot 100 Chart (Week Ending October 31, 2009)


That picture has nothing to do with Billboard or billboards, but it makes sense to me.

Over the past few months, I received more than one request to bring back my commentary on the Billboard charts, which showcase what songs are hot at the moment. (Okay, so I received one such request.) I realize that reviewing such a list is fleeting at best, since all Billboard truly measures is the idea of temporary popularity, which is why most songs drop off of the chart after about roughly two months, and anything that particular periodical writes about tends to be entirely irrelevant in about half that time, but in case you haven't noticed, Hip Hop Isn't Dead tends to traffic in lists, and besides, I figured this would at least be slightly entertaining.

Actually reviewing all one hundred songs on the chart would take up too much of my valuable time, and I haven't actually heard of most of these tracks regardless, since I try not to listen to the radio very often, but depending on the response to this post, I may consider sitting down to discuss it in its entirety in the future.

Anyway.

94. "MONEY TO BLOW" - BIRDMAN FEAT. LIL' WAYNE & DRAKE
This was originally a Drake song, but apparently Baby (which is one of the wackest rap names ever - it makes 'Birdman' sound damn near civilized) felt that he could only add positive ideas to the overall concept of the song, which is about, from what I understand, having money to blow. (I wasn't aware that Degrassi: The Next Generation paid that well, Aubrey.) As weird as this sounds coming from me, all three men have released better songs. (I'm almost embarrassed to write this, but I don't hate "Always Strapped", by Birdman and Wayne. It's okay, you can make fun of me in the comments if you want: there's something about that beat that makes driving pretty fucking dramatic.)

91. "I WANT TO KNOW WHAT LOVE IS" - MARIAH CAREY
It's not her first cover, but it's strange that Mrs. Nick Cannon has fallen this far. Oh wait, no it isn't: I just referred to her as Mrs. Nick Cannon. Without even really trying, Marshall Mathers has won this battle. There is no need for this song to exist when Foreigner is still touring as a band.

90. "WHEELS" - FOO FIGHTERS
It's hard for me to believe that these are the same guys who brought us the masterful "Everlong". This actually sounds like Dave Grohl wrote this shit for Nickelback and decided at the last minute to keep the shit to himself. Kurt Cobain must be spinning in his grave.

89. "YOU'RE A JERK" - NEW BOYZ
Well, fuck you, too.

88. "KINGS AND QUEENS" - 30 SECONDS TO MARS
Every time I see Jared Leto performing, my mind hearkens back to Jordan Catalano on My So-Called Life (which I still believe is one of the most overrated shows in the history of television). He couldn't even fucking read! Even James Franco's character from Freaks and Geeks (a far superior show) wasn't this fucking stupid. And Angela Chase apparently equated illiteracy with depth, when we all know that, even if they did end up together, there would be no way in the real world (beyond high school, if he ever graduated) that he would ever be able to support her financially. But I digress: I like one of this band's songs. Just not this one.

75. "NUMBER ONE" - R. KELLY FEAT. KERI HILSON
"Number One"? Really? Now Kells is just making fun of that underage chick that he pissed on in that video. Which is in incredibly poor taste, but that's still not as bad as the fact that he pissed on an underage chick, caught it on video, and still wasn't found guilty. What the fuck, America?

74. "I'M GOING IN" - DRAKE FEAT. LIL' WAYNE & YOUNG JEEZY
I believe this appears on the EP release for So Far Gone and not the free mixtape that Aubrey unleashed a year of two ago. Weezy's borderline crying on the hook, which consists of, literally, "I'm going in! / And I'mma go hard!". No wonder pop culture constantly questions the sexuality of every single rapper in existence. The beat is okay, though.

69. "LOL :-)" - TREY SONGZ FEAT. GUCCI MANE & SOULJA BOY TELL'EM
One of the most retarded R&B songs I have ever had the displeasure of listening to. And I seem to have missed the memo that named Gucci Mane as the most popular rapper of 2009. When the fuck did that shit happen? Has anybody ever actually listened to a Gucci Mane song? Shit like this makes me want to give up on music. I realize that this is just a 2009 update to the concept of a song about a booty call, but that doesn't mean it insults the audience any less.

62. "BODY LANGUAGE" - JESSE MCCARTNEY FEAT. T-PAIN
Proof positive that Thelonius Pain has seeped into the public consciousness. Well, it's this,"I'm On A Boat", and his iPhone app.

59. "HEY, SOUL SISTER" - TRAIN
Train is still recording music? Hey, good for them.

58. "SMILE" - UNCLE KRACKER
Uncle Kracker is still recording music? Hey, what the hell? How the fuck does this guy still have fans? What the fuck, America?

54. "I'M ALIVE" - KENNY CHESNEY FEAT. DAVE MATTHEWS
I can think of one very important reason why I will never want to listen to this song, even if I was a fan of the former Mr. Renee Zellweger.

52. "ONE LESS LONELY GIRL" - JUSTIN BIEBER
I caught the video for this on MTV earlier this week (you see, if you're up much earlier than you should be, you're rewarded with actual music videos on what is supposed to be Music Television), and I thought this guy was the kid who plays Shane Botwin on Weeds. True fact. Still not convinced that I'm wrong.

45. "I KNOW YOU WANT ME (CALLE OCHO)" - PITBULL
I will say that I can only appreciate how Pitbull creates music that is only designed to get the girls on the dance floor. All of his beats seem to have been ripped off from older European rave anthems, but I give him a pass, as his songs don't generally suck.

36. "SUCCESSFUL" - DRAKE FEAT. TREY SONGZ & LIL' WAYNE
It would appear that Drake is physically incapable of appearing on a song if his Young Money boss, Lil' Weezy, isn't by his side. Considering the fact that his "Best I Ever Had" is also on this list (I just chose to gloss over it, as I am kind of sick of that shit), I realize this isn't true, but young Aubrey really needs to find a better collaborator. I do like this song, though: the beat is atypically haunting for what you would believe to be a motivational tool, and the fact that it totally isn't one makes it even better. Trey Songz almost redeems himself in my eyes with his hook, but then he jumps back down the shitter with his version of the song, on which he performs his own verse that sets popular music back at least one thousand years. The way Drake pronounces the word "progress" also makes me giggle for no good reason.

32. "SHE WOLF" - SHAKIRA
I like Shakira (for the obvious reasons...what, some of her songs, especially the Spanish ones, are really good: what did you think I was talking about?), but this song is fucking ridiculous. The video is even goofier: her "dancing" (the quotation marks are intentional) is half sexy and half interpretative, and neither style works for her. And yet, strangely, just like most of the woman's catalog, even this track sounds better in her native language. Funny, that.

29. "HOTEL ROOM SERVICE" - PITBULL
Has anybody ever paid attention to how graphic Pitbull's lyrics get on this radio-friendly trifle? And yet, he gets the key to the city of Miami. You know, Trina hasn't ever received any kind of award from her home state. Neither has Luther Campbell.

27. "I CAN TRANSFORM YA" - CHRIS BROWN FEAT. LIL' WAYNE & SWIZZ BEATS
Since this is a brand new song, I feel it's pretty obvious that Wayne and Swizzy both hate Rihanna and have placed their trust in Chris Brown's woman-beating hands. And yet, Shawn Carter will continue to work with both of the guests. Hey, musicians continued to work with Ike Turner, too.

20. "ALREADY GONE" - KELLY CLARKSON
This is the song that Kelly Clarkson didn't want her label to release, since it sounds just like Beyonce's "Halo". And you know what? She was exactly fucking right.

18. "BREAK UP" - MARIO FEAT. GUCCI MANE & SEAN GARRETT
So this is what passes for R&B these days? Ripping off Lil' Wayne's "A Milli" staccato and throwing rap's apparent go-to guy, Gucci Mane, on it for a half-assed verse? I realize I sound like an old, embittered man by writing this, but how is this music? (And yes, I realize that argument could be levied at most of the stuff that I actually review.)

16. "OBSESSED" - MARIAH CAREY FEAT. GUCCI MANE
I posed this question on Twitter, but I'll repeat it for the folks at home: why the fuck is Mariah singing through Auto-Tune on here? She has an actual good singing voice. That fact hasn't actually mattered ever since she divorced Tommy Motolla, though, "We Belong Together" notwithstanding. And after seeing the video, Eminem must be rolling in his grave.

15. "FOREVER" - DRAKE FEAT. KANYE WEST, LIL' WAYNE, & EMINEM
Other than the expected Lil' Wayne cameo (which only furthers my argument - seriously, Drake should maybe leave his house and meet some new people), this is easily the most bizarre posse cut of 2009. And while the most exciting aspect of this track is seeing Slaughterhouse posted up behind Marshall while he performs his verse in the video clip (while I believe signing the machine to Interscope (only a rumor at this stage) would be a mistake, how fucking cool would it be to hear Royce and Em rhyming together again?), this is actually not bad. Oddly, the weak link on here is Mr. West, but even he sounds pretty good.

13. "USE SOMEBODY" - KINDS OF LEON
This song is played entirely too often on the radio. Which is good for Kings of Leon (it helps them make tons of money in royalties), but bad for the rest of the general population.

12. "EMPIRE STATE OF MIND" - JAY-Z FEAT. ALICIA KEYS
I officially withdraw the statement I made during my Gut Reaction post on The Blueprint 3: Alicia Keys does, in fact, make this song. I had changed my mind after hearing her sing her ass of at the MTV Video Music Awards, while Hova sounded hoarse and Lil' Mama was debating just when, exactly, she should interrupt the performance, Kanye-style.

11. "SWEET DREAMS" - BEYONCE
This sounds like the aural equivalent of a Jackson Pollack painting. A technique which doesn't translate well in the world of music, mind you. In other words, this is a motherfucking mess. It's funny how all of Bey's solo songs (save for "Halo", which is now stuck in my head, making me realize that it isn't all bad) have gone downhill in quality ever since Dangerously In Love dropped. Some call it "artistic growth": I see it as a singer who has no concept of what actually sounds good anymore.

10. "YOU BELONG WITH ME" - TAYLOR SWIFT
As far as I'm concerned, Kanye West did young Taylor a favor: thanks to his drunken antics, she became the first artist to ever receive a second chance to deliver an acceptance speech at the MTV Video Music Awards, and her song now receives even more spins on the radio than it did before. And it was played a fucking lot. I found it hilarious that the media tried to take 'Ye to task for his actions, but the hip hop world had little to no comment: that was because nobody gave a fuck. This is just what Kanye West does. He's done it his entire career. It won't stop anybody from buying the man's next album.

8. "I GOTTA FEELING" - THE BLACK EYED PEAS
These jackasses hold both the number eight and nine slots on the chart ("Meet Me Halfway" is the other song, and even their insipid "Boom Boom Pow" occupies a space in the top fifty). I just hope that these assholes are saving all of the money they've earned for selling the fuck out, as their hip hop credibility falls by the wayside, since they're going to fall (it's almost predictable). I have some other shit to say about the Black Eyed Peas, but I'll save that for the day if/when I choose to write about their actual albums. So stay tuned.

7. "FIREFLIES" - OWL CITY
This is what The Postal Service would sound like if Ben Gibbard was more of a pussy.

6. "PAPARAZZI" - LADY GAGA
The video clip is all sorts of creepy (it's implied that Gaga murders someone by hanging them, and yet, this video gets regular airplay on VH-1), but damn if it isn't catchy. As far as pop music goes, you can do a lot worse than liking Lady Gaga. Like, for instance, if you were a fan of bullshit Owl City.

4. "RUN THIS TOWN" - JAY-Z FEAT. RIHANNA & KANYE WEST
Hova utters the phrase "Whassup?" at least eighteen times during this track; it seems that nobody took my "drinking game" comment from the original review for The Blueprint 3 seriously. And even with that new piece of information, thanks to endless radio play I've decided that I was wrong about this Jay-Z song, as well: Kanye does not murder his mentor on his own shit. Shawn's verses actually fit the beat better, albeit nonsensically. The video still sucks, though.

3. "PARTY IN THE U.S.A." - MILEY CYRUS
Sorry, Jay, but you just can't control the kind of folks who will listen to and relate to your music.

2. "WHATCHA SAY" - JASON DERULO
I wonder how many fans of this song moved on to its source material, Imogen Heap's "Hide and Seek". I'm betting not very many. I suppose fans of The O.C. probably aren't happy that they now have to share the track with the rest of the world, though. As for Jason, I hope his next hit single samples from The Shins, Iron & Wine, and whoever else appeared on the soundtrack to Garden State.

1. "DOWN" - JAY SEAN FEAT. LIL' WAYNE
Well, at least Drake doesn't appear on here.

See you in a few.

-Max

32 comments:

  1. I agree with virtually all of these claims, but a specific co-sign on being severely disappointed with that lukewarm, tepid, uninspired, fucking limp-dick, flaccid, new Foo Fighters song.

    ReplyDelete
  2. What was the point of this?

    ReplyDelete
  3. Wow. I haven't payed attention to the bilboard charts and MTV since 2005(that's to say, since I was in high school). Reading now what "artists" are on there, it confirms my instincts from '05 that say that I should stay away because there is only frustration for me there. I am familiar with a few songs from here, mainly because my friends listen to this kind of crap. They download the lists and play them while they are doing stuff around the house or in their car driving. If I had to listen to that crap in my car during rush hour, somebody would probably die, and another person would go to jail(probably me).

    ReplyDelete
  4. WTF??? u come back and u present us with this shit?? come on max, all these songs are wack, reviewing these was pointless

    ReplyDelete
  5. That Trey Songz comment had me rolling on the floor. And the Gucci Mane comments were hilarious. Keep doing your shit man.

    ReplyDelete
  6. agreed with the other anonymous guy...

    this dude is bitter and mad as fuck. writing a fucking essay complaining about mainstream music. ROFL

    ReplyDelete
  7. enlightened. Drake is definately the weirdo on the Cash Money millionare list who has less personality then Turk (2/4 of hot boys in jail). Somewhere Kardinal Offi is crying.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Good to see some variety.

    ReplyDelete
  9. It was all worth it for the Owl City comments. Brilliant.

    ReplyDelete
  10. look at this shit, i come back here, glad to see max back to blog and he presents us with this list of shitty songs, fuck you

    ReplyDelete
  11. All of these songs are horrible. I cannot believe that these songs are on Billboard's hot 100! For a minute I thought that I was reading a Disney radio playlist. Wait! Are you sure that this list is from the Billboard Hot 100? This is horrible. They should give it a new title "Billboard Ear Torture 100". Billboard wouldn't know a good song if it bit them on their balls.

    ReplyDelete
  12. c'mon guys, give max some credit. Only logical a man wants to try sth else from time to time especially after reviewing tons of albums last months. If he can't keep it a bit interesting for himself he'd only get into a routine which would eventually become a drag and wear down the quality of his writings.

    Keep it up Max, I probably know only one song from all those mentioned in the list ( blessed I am indeed ) but it was still a fun read which is in the end the point, isn't it ?

    ReplyDelete
  13. Exactly. If you want straight hip-hop reviews, there are plenty of sites for that. I come here for Max's writing.

    Anyone who's personally offended by this needs to get out more.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Oh come on give the guy a break. That was entertaining.

    ReplyDelete
  15. go back to reviewing HIP HOP

    ReplyDelete
  16. you should check out some cunninlynguist albums if you haven't already. They reppin' the south almost as good as outkast or goodie mob used to

    ReplyDelete
  17. Awww Max please dont tell me you actually like ANYTHING that asshole Drake throws out there

    ReplyDelete
  18. "What The Fuck, America" would be a great name for a talk show!

    ReplyDelete
  19. i like this review. It shows why most of us stay away from the radio but also points out the few singles that stay true to hip hop and good music. Keep up the hard work and innovative ideas Max.

    ReplyDelete
  20. This isn't really my cup of tea but I appreciate that you tried to branch out.

    When you get back up to speed I'd love to see a Das EFX review.

    ReplyDelete
  21. You know... I like the IDEA of this better than I actually like it. Though this was an extremely entertaining read, I think about 100% of the readers of this blog would like to read on what you think SHOULD be on the Billboard 100. Now THAT's entertainment. Welcome back, by the way.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Always nice to read an entry of yours Max, and it is refreshing that it is about something other than old hip-hop, haha.

    ReplyDelete
  23. This is cool, Max, but do it sparingly.

    Because most of the songs on these charts are unbearably awful. We have to endure them too much as it is.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Max u got these backpackers angry. They want "real hip hop" not that stuff that all the normal people are listening to.

    ReplyDelete
  25. REVIEW SOME DITC ALBUMS!!! FUCK THE POP CHARTS

    ReplyDelete
  26. yo max,i want ask u a question,why don‘t u review some of the underground rappers,i mean they do ones really keep hip hop shit alive nahmean,u got plenty of rapper 4 example,mr-lif,aesop rock,edan,murs,atmosphere,reks,j-live,blu,brother ali,guilty simpson,cage,people under the stairs,zion i,c-ray walz,elzhi,cesar comanche,7l and esoteric,blaq poet,k‘naan,apathy,oddisse,cunninlynguists,z-ro,dead prez,skyzoo,oh no,tiye phoenix,torae,freestyle fellowship,aceyalone,presto,esham,masta ace,r a the rugged man,reef the lost cauze,ill bill,theory hazit,akrobatik,immortal technique,ny oil,t.h.u.g.angelz,little vic,edo.g,blackalicious and the list goes on my brother,atleast review some of them coz half of these rappers are talented as fuck (hiphopjunkie)

    ReplyDelete
  27. cunninlinguists are booooooooring, much like every other modern underground hip hop artist. i swear if it's not about dancing it's about being boring as hell. WE WANT EFX!

    ReplyDelete
  28. SMH @ protoman for saying Cunninlynguists are boring...

    Anyway, What about some Lord Finesse :P

    ReplyDelete
  29. The Owl City comments made my day.

    ReplyDelete
  30. There is really a Good Article related to hip hop culture,

    please visit this site for the Articles

    http://favoritemusicvideo.com/wordpress

    with Regards

    ReplyDelete
  31. LOL really enjoyed reading this post! LOL

    ReplyDelete
  32. it's jus a dope idea to review the billboard charts ha pretty funny

    http://www.Taybot3.com

    ReplyDelete