Missy Elliott - This Is Not A Test! (November 25, 2003)

Fifteen years ago today, Missy “No Longer Misdemeanor” Elliott released her fifth solo album, This Is Not A Test!, on Goldmine, her vanity label distributed by Elektra Records. It came roughly one year and one week after her previous effort, 2002’s Under Construction, which featured the monster hit “Work It”, which still gets a significant amount of radio airplay to this day. Sonically, it acts as a spiritual sequel to Under Construction, as the old-school vibes adopted by Elliott and her producers (mostly Timothy “Timbaland” Mosely, but also Craig Brockman and Nisan Stewart as needed) for that project are upgraded here to reflect her views on what hip hop and R&B was like in 2003.

The weird thing is that an actual sequel, Under Construction Part II, dropped one week prior, the series continued by Timbaland and his rap partner Magoo. Now that album fucking tanked, mostly because it wasn’t very good, but This Is Not A Test! became Missy’s lowest-selling effort to date. Was this just a coincidence? Did Timbo inadvertently siphon away Missy’s listeners, turning them off from his sound to such a degree that they chose to ignore Elliott’s work?

Shrug?

It isn’t a stretch to say that This Is Not A Test! should have been called Under Construction Part II, but that’s neither here nor there. This project is fully produced by Missy herself, with everyone else counted as co-producers for the most part, including frequent collaborator Timbaland, who contributes the majority of the (co-) production to a Missy Elliott album for the final time in her career (so far, anyway). Yes, you read that correctly: after the poor showing of This Is Not A Test!, her next project, 2005’s The Cookbook, shifted direction, only featuring two Timbo beats.

Which is a shame, because some of the songs on This Is Not A Test! are among the finest Missy Elliott has ever managed to record. Taking on a slightly darker tone, Elliott talks her shit while exploring Timmy’s lab, pulling out the beats that weren’t the obvious hits in order to test her skills as both a songwriter and a force of nature.

It goes without saying that those of you two who hate Missy Elliott for some ridiculous reason will not care for This Is Not A Test! I implore you to have a more open mind when it comes to this album. Yeah, Jay-Z is a featured guest here, as is Fabolous for some fucking reason (he sure did pop up a lot on other artists’ albums back in the day) and Monica, interestingly enough: the guest list on here isn’t nearly as lengthy as it’s been on our host’s previous efforts, indicating that this was intended to be a one-woman show for the most part. And yes, Timbaland’s beat work is prevalent throughout (which was a plus for me back in 2003, but your mileage may vary). But I happen to think the great songs on This Is Not A Test! are worth the effort, but I’m also a fan of Missy Elliott, as is everyone who appreciates music.

(Note: the track titles are presented in the manner in which they read in the liner notes of the album, even though, aside from the first intro, each interlude or skit that appears actually plays toward the end of the preceding track. It’s weird, I know.)

1. BABY GIRL INTERLUDE / INTRO

Look, Melissa can do whatever she wants with her projects, but having Mary J. Blige appear on her album intro just to interpolate a section of the Sugarhill Gang’s “Rapper’s Delight” is absolutely a power move and nothing more. Tone-wise, “Baby Girl Interlude / Intro” rides in the same lane as a lot of her intermissions from past projects: heartfelt dedications coupled with promises to never stop being herself. Is it required reading? No, but what is, really? Should you sit through it, though? That’s also a no. But it exists, so it needs to be acknowledged as such.

2. BOOM INTRO / PASS THAT DUTCH

The lead single from This Is Not A Test!, “Pass That Dutch” came fully equipped with a Dave Meyers-directed music video and a huge marketing push, including placement in the hit movie Mean Girls. And none of that mattered, because for whatever reason, this song failed to connect with listeners in the same way as her earlier work, even though it absolutely sounds like the unholy, new and improved spawn of “Get Ur Freak On” and “Work It”. Melissa’s rhymes are beyond corny, but her elastic flow works well over Timbaland’s buoyant, club-ready instrumental that should have received more shine upon the single’s release, as it has aged like a fine wine: there isn’t anything on the radio even today that sounds like “Pass That Dutch”. Maybe the goofy title, which informs the hook, doomed Missy from the jump. I wouldn’t know. But it is fully deserving of a resurgence.

3. WAKE UP (FEAT. JAY-Z)

This Is Not A Test!’s obligatory reminder that Missy Elliott can actually rap. “Wake Up” features our host adopting a cynical, aggressive, and at one point in particular, slightly homophobic approach in order to get her point across, while guest star Jay-Z spits the usual boasts-n-bullshit he brings to any studio session Timbaland is present at. Speaking of Timmy, his beat kind of knocks in a lo-fi, proto-trap sense, and Hov does his thing without even really breaking a sweat, he was that damn good around this era. But this is still Melissa’s song, and although I preface this by stating I like “Wake Up” quite a bit, she is out of her depth on here, the anger in her voice the aural equivalent of wearing a mask (which leads to the misguided offensive line during her first verse). While her plea to all other emcees to stop fighting amongst one another during the chorus is fine (and said hook is decent), Timbo should have just gifted the instrumental to Mr. Carter. Ah well, points for the effort. I still dig it.

4. KEEP IT MOVIN (FEAT. ELEPHANT MAN)

It’s a little bit uncomfortable hearing our host heap praise upon R. Kelly during her intro (it’ll be even worse when we hear his fucking voice on This Is Not A Test!,  in a bit, but anyway). But as for “Keep It Movin”: I had forgotten this track even existed, which is a shame, as Timmy’s instrumental is flames, and Melissa wraps her flow around it flawlessly. Sure, she isn’t saying all that much, as this type of song exists only to mindlessly entertain the listener, but this shit hits pretty successfully today. Hell, if Elektra Records saw fit to release it as a single tomorrow, it would perform better than every single one of Elliott’s late-game comeback attempts guaranteed. Guest Elephant Man, er, keeps it moving as well, fitting the proceedings like a glove. This shit was a nice surprise, is what I’m trying to say.

5. IS THIS OUR LAST TIME (FEAT, FABOLOUS)

I mean, listen, they can’t all be winners, right? “Is This Our Last Time” disrupts the momentum This Is Not A Test!, has been steadily building, as Melissa both chooses a bland Soul Diggaz instrumental while also opting to sing about failing relationships in that way where everything she harmonizes sounds both sad and horny, and the shit ain’t gonna work. And for some reason she invited Fabolous to contribute, but he just finished up his verse as I’m writing this sentence and I literally cannot remember anything about it. He may have not even appeared. I wouldn’t even know, really. The ragtime-esque interlude toward the end of the audio track sounds Amy Winehouse-adjacent and is far more interesting than anything else on this song.

6. RAGTIME INTERLUDE / I’M REALLY HOT

The second single from This Is Not A Test!, which, if I’m remembering correctly, outperformed “Pass That Dutch”, but not by much. Likely would have worked better as the lead single, to be honest: Timbo’s instrumental is grand entrance music that Melissa (and Elektra) failed to fully take advantage of. At least “I’m Really Hot” swings the pendulum back in the right direction: our host finds her brash confidence again, talking her shit as though she’s the only motherfucker who has ever truly deserved to rhyme over Timbaland beats. And, you know, she probably isn’t wrong. Still works in today’s climate, as well.

7. DAT’S WHAT I’M TALKIN ABOUT (FEAT. R. KELLY)

Remember how I said earlier that hearing our host shout-out golden shower fanatic, pedophile, and likely sex cult leader Robert Kelly was uncomfortable? Well, here’s the payoff: he appears on “Dat’s What I’m Talkin About”, a song where Melissa kicks things off by asking the listener to imagine how you felt when you were about to lose your virginity. I know, right? That lack of self-awareness is downright painful. At least Timbaland had the good sense to dip out of this studio session (production duties are shifted to Nisan Stewart, Craig Brockman, Kelly, and Elliott herself). The rest of this bullshit is a generic song about making love, but this is absolutely the worst song of the project, at least thus far. I wish I could applaud the intentionally corny lines throughout, or Kelly’s praise of the silly-as-fuck bridge, but “Dat’s What I’m Talkin About” is really goddamn fucking terrible and should be locked away in a vault underneath the sea. Also, given R. Kelly’s history with her late friend Aaliyah, what the fuck is she even doing here with him?

8. DON’T BE CRUEL (FEAT. MONICA & BEENIE MAN)

You know how when you’re at the club, and the deejay plays a single verse and maybe the hook of one song before abruptly switching to an altogether different track, but you don’t notice it right away because you’re (1) drunk, and (b) the transition is seamless? Missy and Timbaland pull that trick (sorry, “illusion”) on “Don’t Be Cruel”, two separate songs featuring Monica and Beenie Man, respectively, connected by both their placement on This Is Not A Test!, and Melissa’s insistence on singing the same hook (swiped from Salt-N-Pepa’s “Push It”, funnily enough) on both. Timbo’s instrumentals on both halves are pretty great, although Monica squanders the opportunity by singing bland vocals. Beenie Man manages to do much more with far less to work with. An interesting experiment, even if most of Missy’s contribution is left to the inane skit toward the end.

9. TOYZ INTERLUDE / TOYZ

Said skit features Melissa trying, and failing, to purchase sex toys without being recognized as the celebrity she is. It’s unnecessary, but I did admire the fact that she threw that shit on This Is Not A Test! knowing that her album would reach much more than just hip hop fans. Unsurprisingly, “Toyz” continues that thread, as our host makes it clear that she doesn’t need anybody else to fulfill her needs as long as she has those toys she… doesn’t actually have, as she walked out of that store without making a purchase? On the production side of things, Timbo and Missy provide a beat that sounds like the musical backing for a fucking Stevie Wonder song from an alternate universe, and our host at least sticks with the theme throughout. I’m fine with sex-positive Missy Elliott, so while “Toyz” is ultimately a skip, it doesn’t wear out its welcome or anything.

10. LET IT BUMP

I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that “Let It Bump” was actually cut from Under Construction, as Timbo’s instrumental contains all of the strands of DNA from that previous effort. Speaking of which, “Let It Bump” features the first vocal appearance from Timothy of the evening. This is just a fun club track with a simple, thumping beat that would sound great in any setting. It isn’t world-changing, but it is enjoyable as hell.

11. PUMP IT UP (FEAT. NELLY)

This, on the other hand, should have never been recorded in the first place. Timmy’s instrumental throws far too many ingredients into the mix, none of which meld into a cohesive beat, so it’s all over the place, and Melissa’s verses, which focus solely on how much better she is at sex than you or you your partner , are embarrassingly goofy. There’s a reason nobody ever brings “Pump It Up” into a best of Missy Elliott conversation.. Nelly does try his best, I’ll give him that, but by the time he finally steps onto the scene, the song just isn’t salvageable, and who knew he’d sound this weak over a Timbaland beat? I certainly didn’t.

12. IT’S REAL

Missy Elliott albums aren’t ever a font of cohesiveness, so obviously our host follows up the dumpster fire “Pump It Up” with the Craig Brockman-produced “It’s Real”, a sweet love song with a much slower pace than what we’ve heard elsewhere on the project. It’s a bit awkward to hear actual dripping sentiment immediately following a track where Melissa brags about her genitalia, but Missy Elliott is a complex person, just like the rest of us, so the sudden adjustment of subject matter doesn’t throw me all that much. The tonal shift in the project’s overall sound does, though: no matter how hard they try (which isn’t very, let’s be real), Elliott and Brockman can never match the energy Timbaland brought to the table during this era within our chosen genre, so.

13. LET ME FIX MY WEAVE

And with her announcing, “What’s up, motherfuckers?” at the very beginning of “Let Me Fix My Weave”, This Is Not A Test! has officially shifted back to the club-baiting party album it wants to be, Timbo’s instrumental is okay, but nothing worth writing home about: your significant other would probably wonder why you’re telling them about a Timbaland beat instead of talking about how much you love them or some shit. Melissa adapts her flow to mirror the slow crawl her production partner has put in place behind her, but even her verses aren’t really anything one needs to hear. And yet, this is what I’d prefer to hear from our host, at least when compared to the likes of “It’s Real”, and I don’t think you two could blame me one bit.

14. SPELLING BEE INTERLUDE / SPELLING BEE

If you were asleep before, well, then you’re likely to sleep through anything, and “Spelling Bee” won’t change that, but Timbaland’s beat is far more lively here, managing to be both simple and, during the third verse, funky as hell. Melissa sticks with the theme of spelling on here, K-Solo style, which is a tiny bit frustrating on a first listen, but it grows on you, and it is a kind-of entertaining way for her to get her boasts-n-bullshit off. A nice late-game hidden gem.

15. I’M NOT PERFECT (FEAT. THE CLARK SISTERS)

As it immediately follows “Spelling Bee”, the Stewart and Brockman-produced “I’m Not Perfect” makes very little sense: Melissa is really bad at sequencing her albums. But I’m Not Perfect” functions as the last song on This Is Not A Test!, which is really the only place it could ever land, so stop complaining, Max. Melissa invites gospel group The Clark Sisters to sing with her about how we’re all flawed human beings just trying to live good lives, and it’s not a bad song, really: the musical backing is disruptive after hearing some bomb-ass Timbaland beats all evening, but it suits the mood, and everyone sounds very good on here, even if the track itself is merely okay.

16. OUTRO (FEAT. MARY J. BLIGE)

Timothy’s instrumental from “Baby Girl Intro” returns for the actual outro, on which Melissa picks up where she left off complaining about our chosen genre, while Mary J. Blige returns to, once again, prove she’s listened to old-school rap. Why she felt the need to do this twice I won’t even attempt to understand.

FINAL THOUGHTS: This Is Not A Test! may actually be Missy Elliott’s finest hour, which makes it even sadder that it didn’t reach the same number of fans as her previous work. She has some pretty fucking great songs on all of her albums, but the ones on This Is Not A Test! seem to be universally ignored, and now’s your chance to rectify that error in the universe. Missy and Timbaland’s sound never was the same after this project dropped: sure, they still worked together in spurts, and will likely do so in the future, but the chemistry just seems a bit… off now. But on This Is Not A Test!, they fired on all cylinders, checked every box, and whatever other clichés you two can manage, complementing one another with darker dance beats and more aggressive boasts-n-bullshit, both still spun in a playful-enough manner to appeal to a wider audience. I was surprised to discover how much I liked This Is Not A Test! over some of her past work: one could compile a playlist with all of the great songs from her catalog and it would be fucking flames, no lie. But again, I like Missy Elliott and Timbaland, so your mileage may be less fuel-efficient than mine.

BUY OR BURN? There’s enough entertaining stuff on here to warrant a purchase. If you enjoyed Under Construction, you’ll dig this spiritual sequel. If you hate Missy and Timbaland’s work, there’s no reason for you to still be reading this post anyway, even though you’re on the wrong side of history: when they clicked, they were fucking great.

BEST TRACKS: “Wake Up”; “Let It Bump”; “Keep It Movin”; “Pass That Dutch”; “I’m Really Hot”

-Max

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